🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit's avatar
🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 11 months ago
If she is alive, I don't know how to protect her. My constant panic might severely interfere with her attempts to recover from her depression and grief, because whatever happens to me could make her feel guilty. I might never get enough proof of her safety for my panic/grief to stop escalating, so I'm likely to end up killing and/or being killed over this shit, and if she's actually safe the whole time then I'm undermining her safety, because I don't have enough proof of her safety to do anything with my life except go after the people responsible for this constant fear. And there's high risk later she would start to blame herself for shit that happened with me, and if I'm dead it could add to the suicidal thoughts she had last time we talked. But I can't find a way out since I can't stop my mental state from getting worse without more proof of her safety. This screenshot was ostensibly supposed to help delay my mental state from getting worse, but it only accelerated the spiral because now I can't stop panicking about the possibility that I'm endangering her in addition to still not knowing if she's even alive, and it's getting harder to see any possibility where I get to stop panicking, but easier to see possibilities where everything I panic about happens and it's my fault and I can't survive or protect anyone
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🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit's avatar
🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 11 months ago
She has expressed in words and actions she wants me to have nothing to do every day except panic because I'm a bad person. So I can't stop being scared she might have killed herself to make sure I could never recover. I have kept hoping she might be alive and this might be some kind of test or mistake where she would change her mind about me if she found out I stayed scared all the time for long enough. But it's starting to look like even if she is alive, she's probably pretty steadfast in her position and won't change her mind even if I can't live like this. So my next best bet is to hope she really wants to use me as a vessel of anger to get revenge on the world for her boyfriend that killed himself, and this is my best way to serve her. I have to hope she is alive but the reason she won't let me have too much sign of her safety is because she needs me to be as angry about her as she is about the boyfriend she lost, so I can do to the world what she would do if her wrath was as bitter as mine. But I'm still scared maybe that's not what she wants, and maybe she'd end up feeling guilty about it, and there's nothing I can do about it. I just keep getting more scared.
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