I think me trying to do friendship might be kind of like a broker trying to sell a stock. I want to believe what I offer will benefit you, but the fact is, even if I'm paying an immediate dividend tomorrow, it will be less than the cost of having me around. It will be a long time before the dividends pay back the investment, if ever. With me, it's mental impact and feelings. With a stock, it's money. If I can't offer an immediate good deal, I have to try to offer a discount deal that will get way better later.

There are parts of my personality other than being obsessed with Digit. I'm also obsessed with a few other women, and many random topics like nuclear war and stuff. Digit knew this, and she was also saying I only put up an act pretending to care about her, so why did she say my whole personality is being obsessed with her? It makes no sense. I take it as a demand to double down and love her more and lose interest in everything else, which I keep trying to pretend is easy, but it's actually hard. So the "whoever loves Digit" label becomes an unnatural act, even though it's just supposed to be a correct label. Holy fuck, I think I just finally placed a key puzzle piece in solving my mental complex.

Digit had friends who lied to her about me and convinced her I was just putting up an act and didn't really care about her. My first girlfriend spent years insisting if I loved her I'd stop trying to get her to talk to me, while I kept trying because that was clearly not true. I definitely love her and want to talk to her, those aren't opposites. But she kept saying I don't really love her. Digit once told me the opposite, that I have no personality except being obsessed with her. If that's my whole personality, it's obviously not just an act. It seemed like a way of saying she knew her friends were lying about me, while making it sound like an insult and not actually saying it. People might not remember but my original name on nostr was "whoever relays stuff." I tried not to talk about Digit at all and respect her wishes to leave her alone while trying to figure out what to do about being terrified all the time. I tried to make everything I did hint at me still thinking about her, in case she ever showed up again, but not actually talk about her. Then on the fourth of July the year before last year, someone sent me screenshots of someone claiming Digit committed suicide, and I couldn't do anything but try to find out if she's alive. "Whoever loves Digit" is just 3 words correctly describing me on pseudonymous social media apps, not a fake self. But I try to avoid everything else about myself, because she said I have no other personality. I sort of unnaturally reinforce that concept, my entire personality is being obsessed with her. It makes me feel less like I completely failed her in every way. After spelling this all out plainly, I'm not sure if it has anything to do with social media (following up on my last posts). I guess it probably is a social media thing, because Digit and I probably would have had different conversations from the ones we had, if we met face to face instead of on reddit.

Maybe this isn't so unnatural, just part of human life regardless of social media. Maybe people just nitpick each other so much, it's natural to try to give people an understandable view of yourself instead of just being yourself View quoted note →

Having no bans is an improvement, but social media still feels unnatural. I feel like I'm unnaturally trying to replace my actual self with an idea of me.

I just remembered this was one of the only people I was ever able to convince to try nostr. He didn't keep using it because it didn't work, we couldn't even see messages we sent to each other. I think that was the last time I saw him. He used Facebook where I'm banned and we didn't really have a way to keep in touch. View quoted note →

I still can't quite pull out of this I'll probably post comments on reddit today that should have been nostr posts but I get a fear of posting them on nostr because they're not about my personal life. People could take me saying anything smart as a sign I'm ok when I'm not But I don't like this mental state, I want to contribute to nostr, not reddit inc View quoted note →

This isn't a joke and makes me wish I could pull out of this mental health dip View quoted note →

Lately when I think of good posts I usually don't bother posting them because I'm sure my followers have come to expect bad posts and it would throw them off

I guess it's right to be sad when dogs and cats die even though they're carnivores. But they're good friends can't can't choose to be vegan. Humans are bad friends and WILLINGLY carnivorous

It shouldn't be sad if any carnivore dies. I should be able to handle losing Digit because she's not vegan. I should expect no one to care if I die because I'm not vegan. This isn't how it works, but only because humans are irrational and horrible. The only good thing about being human is we're the one species that can choose to be different from how nature made us, but it's really hard.

I wish everyone tried harder to stay alive

What's the correct number of people to care about?

People tell me to go to therapy and improve my mental health - spending money I'm lucky to have more of than others But they also say the people living in the streets, with no money, are in that position because they're mentally unhealthy Think about that carefully

There's a fundamental conflict that I want to be nicer to people, but I don't know how to be that nice while stopping myself from caring more than it's healthy to care.

Life hack: if I keep calling everyone I care about "dead weight" they'll keep drifting away so I can stop caring about them 📈 View quoted note →

Whoever I can't apply this logic to, is the bare minimum social circle my flawed human biology can cope with View quoted note →

I guess part of friendship is when you'd be sadder about the person dying than any impact they could have on the world while alive. So it's kinda worthless in the anthropocene era, just hard to avoid as a human. I should try to remind myself about this more with the people I care about more. It's not rational to care about them other than Digit, they're not like me, there's nothing better I can do with most people than let them die View quoted note →

What's it called, when you used to be close enough with someone that it's still a little sad when they die, but at this point you know they deserved it more than others and it doesn't really matter / possibly makes the world a better place? Idk what it's called but I guess not exactly friendship

I guess I misspoke. "Past friend" would be more fitting than "old friend" since we weren't really friends anymore. I didn't really care that he died, I just felt bad for not caring and I felt obligated to post about it because that's "what people do." It's making me take stock of who else I would care about dying, though. Mainly only women, I don't really value many of my fellow males. View quoted note →