She has expressed in words and actions she wants me to have nothing to do every day except panic because I'm a bad person. So I can't stop being scared she might have killed herself to make sure I could never recover. I have kept hoping she might be alive and this might be some kind of test or mistake where she would change her mind about me if she found out I stayed scared all the time for long enough. But it's starting to look like even if she is alive, she's probably pretty steadfast in her position and won't change her mind even if I can't live like this. So my next best bet is to hope she really wants to use me as a vessel of anger to get revenge on the world for her boyfriend that killed himself, and this is my best way to serve her. I have to hope she is alive but the reason she won't let me have too much sign of her safety is because she needs me to be as angry about her as she is about the boyfriend she lost, so I can do to the world what she would do if her wrath was as bitter as mine. But I'm still scared maybe that's not what she wants, and maybe she'd end up feeling guilty about it, and there's nothing I can do about it. I just keep getting more scared.