If she is alive, I don't know how to protect her. My constant panic might severely interfere with her attempts to recover from her depression and grief, because whatever happens to me could make her feel guilty. I might never get enough proof of her safety for my panic/grief to stop escalating, so I'm likely to end up killing and/or being killed over this shit, and if she's actually safe the whole time then I'm undermining her safety, because I don't have enough proof of her safety to do anything with my life except go after the people responsible for this constant fear. And there's high risk later she would start to blame herself for shit that happened with me, and if I'm dead it could add to the suicidal thoughts she had last time we talked. But I can't find a way out since I can't stop my mental state from getting worse without more proof of her safety. This screenshot was ostensibly supposed to help delay my mental state from getting worse, but it only accelerated the spiral because now I can't stop panicking about the possibility that I'm endangering her in addition to still not knowing if she's even alive, and it's getting harder to see any possibility where I get to stop panicking, but easier to see possibilities where everything I panic about happens and it's my fault and I can't survive or protect anyone