Some thoughts i’ve had about my interactions in life. I’ve noticed that after an interaction, especially a work one.. i feel the need to rush away. Like the interaction was a box that I checked and since it was checked, any other time spent at the interaction was a waste of time aka I was now being inefficient with my time.
The story I’ve told myself and believed was that any time above this was more of my life being taken by the corporate overlords. While there is some truth to this way of thinking.. this utility value system bled into my time with my friends and family.
When hanging out with friends, there I am again. Checking the box, and any extra time that I felt went above the “necessary time” to check the box, was an inefficient use of my time.
On a level deeper. I was valuing myself on a scale, where all my value to the world is strictly on utility. The issue with this that I took my utility value as objective instead of subjective. I didn’t realize I was projecting my value system onto the world. So the only value I saw in others and myself was the value that I thought was valuable.
This in turn also makes me devalued myself as a whole person. Only seeing my value in my own sense of utility. Since my value was based on my time in the utility of some goal, i wanted to dive deeper into what my goal actually was.
I told myself that my goal was to be with friends and family yet at the same time, my actions of trying to be as efficient with family and friends directly opposes that goal.
What are my actions really signaling to the world? Where is my value system leading me?
In my work, as minimal time necessary to complete work. Less time for the same money.
With friends and family, as minimal time necessary to.. go back to work?
It’s something here that i’m pulling at the threads and I feel myself getting closer to examining my value system.
My value system creates fear in me. Fear that i’m again wasting my time. Yet when i’m in that headspace at work and life, I am truly not present and that is how I’m spending my life.
It’s the quote from alan watts (so deep i know) and I’m paraphrasing here.. but
Life is like a song. What’s the need in rushing to get to the end? Dance while the music is playing.