I notice I'm getting closer to forming paranoid delusions to shield myself from how terrifying this all is. I seem to be increasingly using the idea of her being a fed as a coping mechanism. It's even better than using me to avenge her boyfriend because this way she's not even suffering from a loss like that, she's just getting paid to MKUltra me. I daydream about her being assigned by her fed handlers to kill me because I'm her failed MKUltra test subject so she just pretends we can be friends again and invites me somewhere to shoot me. But it's stopped feeling like a funny joke scenario and more like an actual possibility to hope for as an escape from just being a problem for her. I still have enough grip on reality to call it a daydream instead of speculation or something. I still know it's ridiculous. But it doesn't seem so funny or silly anymore, it just seems like something to hope for as a plot twist that would solve everything. So I guess I might increasingly slip into paranoid delusional coping as reality seems increasingly impossible to process