i have been living under the cloud of this fear for a long time and i have got to a place where i'm just like "ok, so, i was homeless, eating out of bins, and have nearly died a dozen times, what could possibly be better than dying as a martyr?" that's why they won't touch the ones who have the sign from the angels it's not necessarily pleasant to be in this position but literally almost no possible way they can do anything but make my connection to God even more strong

That's a healthy way to look at it.