"Calibre" is, by the way, the same person who used my fears about losing track of Digit to essentially extort me for $10,000 before she deleted her accounts.

Many thousands of doggie coin.

This morning someone said they were going to commit suicide and deleted all their own messages. Everyone else said they were just looking for attention. Another Digit accusation: this being the same person. This person is called Dariene. I've seen people accuse her of being the same person as Digit many times - and of course, always offering no proof.

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I keep wondering if this accusation could be true. This person had rejoined the wallstreetbets server shortly after Jeff Baena's suicide. That would make sense for Digit. Also for any suicidal person. This was also really late at night / early in the morning (dark hours) when I have previously mentioned would often be the time Digit would be posting. I've also mentioned before how fucked up it is that I'm banned from there and can't be there all the time trying to help whoever this is. If it is Digit, I'm glad she's alive, but I'm still constantly terrified of losing her, not being able to help her. If it isn't Digit, it's fucked up that they've gaslit me so much and thrown so many accusations around I'm wasting time worrying about coincidences.

It's far-fetched but if it's true I hate myself for not seeing it sooner and I hate everyone who pretends this shit is funny enough to joke about like this

This dariene person has left the server now. Yet another thing for me to worry about all the time for who knows how long

Here's that "Calibre" person, who tells me (without proof) Digit faked her death, very recently laughing at a joke mocking her possible suicide. This isn't even the only recent example

This is evidence someone who knows 3 songs Digit likes was alive around the time the screenshot was taken. Differences between this and proof Digit is safe: * Not all evidence is proof * Not everyone who knows 3 songs she likes is actually Digit * "Was" isn't "is" * "Alive" isn't "safe" (I still have no escape from my panic when last time we talked she was suicidal)

If she is alive, I don't know how to protect her. My constant panic might severely interfere with her attempts to recover from her depression and grief, because whatever happens to me could make her feel guilty. I might never get enough proof of her safety for my panic/grief to stop escalating, so I'm likely to end up killing and/or being killed over this shit, and if she's actually safe the whole time then I'm undermining her safety, because I don't have enough proof of her safety to do anything with my life except go after the people responsible for this constant fear. And there's high risk later she would start to blame herself for shit that happened with me, and if I'm dead it could add to the suicidal thoughts she had last time we talked. But I can't find a way out since I can't stop my mental state from getting worse without more proof of her safety. This screenshot was ostensibly supposed to help delay my mental state from getting worse, but it only accelerated the spiral because now I can't stop panicking about the possibility that I'm endangering her in addition to still not knowing if she's even alive, and it's getting harder to see any possibility where I get to stop panicking, but easier to see possibilities where everything I panic about happens and it's my fault and I can't survive or protect anyone

She has expressed in words and actions she wants me to have nothing to do every day except panic because I'm a bad person. So I can't stop being scared she might have killed herself to make sure I could never recover. I have kept hoping she might be alive and this might be some kind of test or mistake where she would change her mind about me if she found out I stayed scared all the time for long enough. But it's starting to look like even if she is alive, she's probably pretty steadfast in her position and won't change her mind even if I can't live like this. So my next best bet is to hope she really wants to use me as a vessel of anger to get revenge on the world for her boyfriend that killed himself, and this is my best way to serve her. I have to hope she is alive but the reason she won't let me have too much sign of her safety is because she needs me to be as angry about her as she is about the boyfriend she lost, so I can do to the world what she would do if her wrath was as bitter as mine. But I'm still scared maybe that's not what she wants, and maybe she'd end up feeling guilty about it, and there's nothing I can do about it. I just keep getting more scared.

Nobody is reading these paragraphs. I guess the most simplified explanation is that this evidence is too weak and gives me certainty of nothing, not even Digit being alive at the moment. And I'm realizing even if it was actual proof, I would still always need more proof, and maybe I'm never going to have enough and my mental state will keep making everything worse, with no possible way out.

I still have to try to explain this shit again because nobody seems to comprehend it at all. The worst case scenario for me is Digit being gone after I've failed to protect her. This is what I panic about constantly. The best case scenario for me would have been that telling me to panic forever was a test where Digit hoped I would prove she's in control and then she'd let me do something other than panic. The next best scenario would have been a test where she hopes I decide to move on, but the results are still accepted even though they aren't what she hoped, and the test still ends after it's clear that I will just panic forever like she suggested I should do. None of those seem to be happening. She seems to be holding steadfast that as long as I stay alive, her directive for me will be to continue to panic and it's not just a test. So the next best scenario for me is still that she is hoping I will prove what I'm capable of, and that's what's best for her. I have to hope she understands how I've turned into a force of harm, and that's what she wants because it's less painful for her than causing so much harm directly by herself, or seeing the world go unpunished for her boyfriend's suicide. I have to hope she is making me feel the closest she can make me feel to how she feels, after selecting me for this task based on how much damage I'm capable of doing with these feelings. But the worst case scenario is her being gone after I've failed to protect her, and one of the ways that could happen is if she's going to end up committing suicide because this is all a test she set up by accident and she can't accept the results of it because she just wanted me to feel exactly like her and handle it as well as she does so she'd be less alone, and instead I'm not capable of what she's capable of, and I can't make her less alone, and I can't stop making everything worse, and she can't change her mind about wanting me to suffer like her even if it keeps going worse than she wanted, and she's still at risk of feeling guilty about it someday after it's too late to change her mind, just like I can't change my mind about continuing to panic as long as she wants me to, even if all it does is make us both lose everything and die hating ourselves. We might just be stuck forever with her hating me too much to change her mind about her and me loving her too much to change my mind about her and neither of us being able to cope with the damage caused by our limitations. I can't convey how terrifying that is. With it becoming difficult to imagine a future where I ever get to escape this panic, it's especially horrifying to imagine her being hurt the whole time by everything happening with me. It's much more comforting to imagine her secretly being alive the whole time enjoying the results of my suffering because she wants to see the damage I can cause and I'm creating the best outcome for her. But that seems farfetched because she seems not evil. So this is just a constant cycle of more and more reason to panic.

I had a typo that doesn't matter enough to fix

I notice I'm getting closer to forming paranoid delusions to shield myself from how terrifying this all is. I seem to be increasingly using the idea of her being a fed as a coping mechanism. It's even better than using me to avenge her boyfriend because this way she's not even suffering from a loss like that, she's just getting paid to MKUltra me. I daydream about her being assigned by her fed handlers to kill me because I'm her failed MKUltra test subject so she just pretends we can be friends again and invites me somewhere to shoot me. But it's stopped feeling like a funny joke scenario and more like an actual possibility to hope for as an escape from just being a problem for her. I still have enough grip on reality to call it a daydream instead of speculation or something. I still know it's ridiculous. But it doesn't seem so funny or silly anymore, it just seems like something to hope for as a plot twist that would solve everything. So I guess I might increasingly slip into paranoid delusional coping as reality seems increasingly impossible to process

I guess this screenshot has made me a little bit more hopeful because now it's less terrifying to look at Digit's lichess account that says active a year ago. Still terrifying though

Kinda major status update if anyone cares. Evidence Digit is probably alive but I'm still terrified because there's no evidence she's safe. I regained access to my Spotify account, because I followed Digit on there, and I found the playlist from Calibre's screenshot. It says it's from 4 weeks ago as of today. Evidence upgraded to proof: someone who knows 3 songs Digit likes was alive around the time the screenshot was taken. And now I've also confirmed it's the correct Spotify account. It's unlikely anyone else would suddenly gain access to that account now, so the evidence suggests it's actually her. 4 weeks ago is a lot better than the lichess saying a year ago. Still terrifying but not as bad. The contents of the playlist still add to the terror though. And it still keeps driving me insane that no one else seems to care. Why would Calibre fuck with my head pretending this is proof she's safe? It's evidence she's alive, but it's music that could be a goodbye or a cry for help or something, so there's still no evidence of her being safe, as in, not having cancer or being suicidal anymore. I hate Calibre for not seeming to want to help her while she's feeling whatever feelings made her pick those 3 songs. I hope she keeps making playlists and gives me more proof it's actually her.

She was away from Spotify for about a year and a half but I hate myself for the fact that I wasn't still checking her Spotify every day.

So many people told me she was dead. Fucking psychopaths.

still no leads?

I got some evidence she is alive but not "safe." Someone she dated on wallstreetbets, called Calibre, showed me a screenshot of a playlist she made about a month ago and I've confirmed it was from her actual Spotify account. The playlist still scares me. It's 3 dark songs I remember her listening to when she was really depressed and anxious: Tiny Glowing Screens pt 2 by Watsky The Modern Leper by Frightened Rabbit For Real by Okkervil River And the title of the playlist is "purple." Logically she probably means like /r/purplemusic but my mental state makes me scared it's a reference to her boyfriend being that color when she found him after his suicide or something. The title doesn't matter. The songs make me think she's probably alive but probably not safe. So I'm still terrified. I hate that it was a month ago and I didn't see it sooner. She'll think Calibre cares about her more because he's the one that kept checking. But he doesn't even care enough to listen to the songs and notice how dark they are and how she might still be in a fucked up situation. I just couldn't handle how painful it was to keep seeing no sign of her every time I checked, so I started only checking lichess because I thought she'd have more reason to switch between alt accounts for chess than for Spotify, but I was wrong. I should have kept checking Spotify. I at least should have checked it around the time of Jeff Baena's suicide. That's around when the playlist is from. I fuck up every time she needs me. Every day that passes is more reason to be scared I'm too late. I hate myself so much. At least there's a sign of life from a month ago now instead of the latest being over a year ago. I just keep telling myself that means it's probably not too late, but the fear doesn't really go away.

oh man. any way to communicate to her via spotify? any messaging? sharing of playlists?

I followed her new playlist. And I set my profile name to my Discord username (where we talked) and left her a few playlists with messages for titles on my profile. Another thing I hate myself for finding it too painful to try sooner. I'm not sure if I can share playlists to her or it would require her to follow me. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll try to see if I can do it.