The only thing holding me back from that level right now is my own self-doubt and fear of negative potential outcomes caused by my actions. One of the most challenging aspects to my mind is that I do my best to calculate all possible outcomes to any situation I am presented with. Over time I believe I have falsely become addicted to something else far worse than any drug. The feeling of constant fear and the stress of living life. The actual chemical reactions caused by my own negative thoughts causes me to take two steps forward and three steps back. Even though they are undesirable feelings and emotions that truly haunt me. I have become addicted to the habit of always thinking and speaking negatively in order to feel them in the majority of my waking moments This must be stopped now. If you have any resources for mastering your own thoughts and emotions. So that I can stop accessing the physical chemical reactions as a side effect of negative thinking please let me know. I have been studying stoicism, but I need more information to help me battle decades of betrayl, PTSD, justifiable paranoia, and a variety of excuses. Which my mind constantly beats me over the head with daily. That stops me from becoming who I know in my soul I was truly always meant to be.