If wBTC really is BTC locked up in a smart contract, I'm actually more comfortable than most with this being "real". There is some utility in being able to do everything on a single chain from a single address. I still think it's gross and they should have bought real Bitcoin, but I'm vaguely open to being proven wrong

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Yes. Those other things. I'm not saying I approve of that other stuff. I'm saying if you wanted to do "all of the above" (including buy BTC via shit chain) then it makes strategic sense to minimize chain operations and use a single (ethereum) address. Also: I can be a Bitcoin maxi while also accepting that Ethereum isn't a "centrally controlled chain". PoS is inferior to PoW for the purpose of building sound money, but Ethereum is still decentralized.