I’ve been working with DOs for a long time and am aware of their pros and cons for sure. While what you say is true, there are ways to work with them cost-effectively and fast. You just need to look at them as shards for storage, nothing more.
Eventually I’ll open source it once I tune the thing to scale and work properly, didn’t have much time to do that yet plus need to cleanup the code too.
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Yes, the sharding is what was already tried, you can read about it in this (since) reverted readme 
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GitHub - Spl0itable/nosflare at 4896859710786b070c26f9dc6cfb6aa98a8604e1
A serverless Nostr relay through Cloudflare Workers and Durable Objects - Spl0itable/nosflare