Admitting that I do not know the answers is strength, not weakness and in fact makes the world we live matter more than what it would if I believed in an afterlife. You value nothing real.

it's not strength when the truth is right in front of you. It's capitulation to ignore what humans have acknowledged for thousands of years: the spiritual is very real. You have not found strength. You have found a dead end that leaves you disconnected from humanity. You might look into pineal gland therapy. Your gland may be calcified to the point where you actually are unable to detect the spiritual. It's a significant problem that has a range of causes but often can be corrected.