it's not strength when the truth is right in front of you. It's capitulation to ignore what humans have acknowledged for thousands of years: the spiritual is very real. You have not found strength. You have found a dead end that leaves you disconnected from humanity. You might look into pineal gland therapy. Your gland may be calcified to the point where you actually are unable to detect the spiritual. It's a significant problem that has a range of causes but often can be corrected.