The Babylon Bee - Nostr Hypermedia

'Run! Get Out While You Can!' Scream Dying Ferns As Woman Brings In New Houseplant

DENVER, CO — Local woman Shaylyn Bridger brought home three new houseplants this week, prompting her half-dead ferns to scream at them to get out...

The Babylon Bee 9 months ago

JD Vance Already Making Plans To Kill New Pope

The Babylon Bee

JD Vance Already Making Plans To Kill New Pope

U.S. — In the minutes following the announcement of Chicago Cardinal Robert F. Prevost as the new Pope, Vice President Vance has reportedly alrea...

The Babylon Bee 9 months ago

Newly Discovered Mosaic Law Required Israelites To Separate Themselves From Android Users

The Babylon Bee

Newly Discovered Mosaic Law Required Israelites To Separate Themselves From Android Users

SINAI — Scholars marveled at the revelation of what was described as a long-hidden passage of religious text, as a newly discovered portion of th...

The Babylon Bee 9 months ago

God Introduces New Hydrating, Zero Sugar Beverage With No Artificial Dyes

The Babylon Bee

God Introduces New Hydrating, Zero Sugar Beverage With No Artificial Dyes

EARTH — Health enthusiasts received exciting news this week, as God introduced a new hydrating, zero-sugar beverage that has absolutely no artifi...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Harvard Warns Loss Of Federal Funding Will Cripple Their Ability To Find A Final Solution To The Jewish Problem

The Babylon Bee

Harvard Warns Loss Of Federal Funding Will Cripple Their Ability To Find A Final Solution To The Jewish Problem

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In the wake of the Trump administration freezing $2.3 billion in federal funding to Harvard University, leaders of the university...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Man Realizes Last 8 Months Of Career Could Have Been An Email

The Babylon Bee

Man Realizes Last 8 Months Of Career Could Have Been An Email

DENVER, CO — Middle Manager Colin Mears slowly realized today that the last 8 months of his career could have just been a single email.

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Man Checks News To See Whether Retirement Account Bankrupt Or Has A Million Dollars

The Babylon Bee

Man Checks News To See Whether Retirement Account Bankrupt Or Has A Million Dollars

RICHMOND, VA — As part of a new morning routine, local man Reggie Hayes checked the news to see if his retirement account had vanished or whether...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Breaking: Cory Booker's Filibuster Record Broken By Your Wife

The Babylon Bee

Breaking: Cory Booker's Filibuster Record Broken By Your Wife

U.S. — In a surprising turn of events, Senator Cory Booker's 25-hour filibuster record that was just set on Tuesday was broken by your wife.

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Darth Vader Accidentally Adds Admiral Ackbar To Holochat Planning Alderaan Bombing

The Babylon Bee

Darth Vader Accidentally Adds Admiral Ackbar To Holochat Planning Alderaan Bombing

MUSTAFAR — The Galactic Empire was forced into damage control mode this week after it was revealed that Darth Vader had realized that he had mist...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Disney Quietly Cancels Live-Action 'Pocahontas' Starring Dylan Mulvaney

The Babylon Bee

Disney Quietly Cancels Live-Action 'Pocahontas' Starring Dylan Mulvaney

BURBANK, CA — After watching its latest feature Snow White suffer a disastrous opening weekend at the box office, executives at Disney have decid...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Jordan Peterson Explains The Deep Meaning Behind 9 Famous Song Lyrics

The Babylon Bee

Jordan Peterson Explains The Deep Meaning Behind 9 Famous Song Lyrics

Sometimes song lyrics can be confusing. So we called up psychologist and beauty expert Jordan Peterson and asked him to explain some of the most po...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

CIA Files Reveal JFK Was Killed By Seed Oils

The Babylon Bee

CIA Files Reveal JFK Was Killed By Seed Oils

U.S. — In a long-awaited declassification of government documents related to one of the most monumental events in American history, newly release...

The Babylon Bee 11 months ago

Insult To Injury: Trump Changes Netflix Password And Now Zelensky Has To Get His Own Account

The Babylon Bee

Insult To Injury: Trump Changes Netflix Password And Now Zelensky Has To Get His Own Account

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On top of losing an economic deal and getting publicly berated on television, President Zelensky arrived at his hotel room onl...

The Babylon Bee 11 months ago

FBI Investigation Shows Epstein List Shredded Itself

The Babylon Bee

FBI Investigation Shows Epstein List Shredded Itself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a thorough 3-minute investigation, the FBI announced that the highly anticipated Epstein list had shredded itself.

The Babylon Bee 11 months ago

Cruel: Elon Musk Cuts Off Social Security Benefits For Thousands Of Revolutionary War Veterans

The Babylon Bee

Cruel: Elon Musk Cuts Off Social Security Benefits For Thousands Of Revolutionary War Veterans

U.S. — The Department of Government Efficiency faced renewed calls for independent oversight after news broke that DOGE boss Elon Musk had callou...

The Babylon Bee 11 months ago

Trump Signals U.S. Ready To Forgive Ukraine For Invading Russia

The Babylon Bee

Trump Signals U.S. Ready To Forgive Ukraine For Invading Russia

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Once again willing to be the bigger man, President Trump has signaled that the United States is ready to forgive Ukraine for t...

The Babylon Bee 11 months ago

Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

The Babylon Bee

Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

CHICAGO, IL — Yet another batch of heathy vegan food was painstakingly synthesized using 957 chemicals earlier today at the Organisynth Corp. la...

The Babylon Bee 11 months ago

Is Elon Musk The Father Of Your Child? Signs To Look For

The Babylon Bee

Is Elon Musk The Father Of Your Child? Signs To Look For

According to reports, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk has a lot of kids, with an estimated three dozen Musk-sired children being announced durin...

The Babylon Bee 11 months ago

Deranged Maniac Fires Off Over 17 Memes In Crowded German Shopping Mall

The Babylon Bee

Deranged Maniac Fires Off Over 17 Memes In Crowded German Shopping Mall

HAMBURG — Chaos erupted and hundreds fled in a German city once again today, after what witnesses described as a "deranged maniac" allege...

The Babylon Bee 11 months ago

WINNING: Trump Announces Plan To Attack The British And Prussian Forces At Waterloo

The Babylon Bee

WINNING: Trump Announces Plan To Attack The British And Prussian Forces At Waterloo

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's resurgence reached a new level this morning, as President Donald Trump announced a plan to attack the British a...