The Babylon Bee 8 months ago

Man Realizes Last 8 Months Of Career Could Have Been An Email

The Babylon Bee

Man Realizes Last 8 Months Of Career Could Have Been An Email

DENVER, CO — Middle Manager Colin Mears slowly realized today that the last 8 months of his career could have just been a single email.

The Babylon Bee 8 months ago

Man Checks News To See Whether Retirement Account Bankrupt Or Has A Million Dollars

The Babylon Bee

Man Checks News To See Whether Retirement Account Bankrupt Or Has A Million Dollars

RICHMOND, VA — As part of a new morning routine, local man Reggie Hayes checked the news to see if his retirement account had vanished or whether...

The Babylon Bee 8 months ago

Breaking: Cory Booker's Filibuster Record Broken By Your Wife

The Babylon Bee

Breaking: Cory Booker's Filibuster Record Broken By Your Wife

U.S. — In a surprising turn of events, Senator Cory Booker's 25-hour filibuster record that was just set on Tuesday was broken by your wife.

The Babylon Bee 9 months ago

Darth Vader Accidentally Adds Admiral Ackbar To Holochat Planning Alderaan Bombing

The Babylon Bee

Darth Vader Accidentally Adds Admiral Ackbar To Holochat Planning Alderaan Bombing

MUSTAFAR — The Galactic Empire was forced into damage control mode this week after it was revealed that Darth Vader had realized that he had mist...

The Babylon Bee 9 months ago

Disney Quietly Cancels Live-Action 'Pocahontas' Starring Dylan Mulvaney

The Babylon Bee

Disney Quietly Cancels Live-Action 'Pocahontas' Starring Dylan Mulvaney

BURBANK, CA — After watching its latest feature Snow White suffer a disastrous opening weekend at the box office, executives at Disney have decid...

The Babylon Bee 9 months ago

Jordan Peterson Explains The Deep Meaning Behind 9 Famous Song Lyrics

The Babylon Bee

Jordan Peterson Explains The Deep Meaning Behind 9 Famous Song Lyrics

Sometimes song lyrics can be confusing. So we called up psychologist and beauty expert Jordan Peterson and asked him to explain some of the most po...

The Babylon Bee 9 months ago

CIA Files Reveal JFK Was Killed By Seed Oils

The Babylon Bee

CIA Files Reveal JFK Was Killed By Seed Oils

U.S. — In a long-awaited declassification of government documents related to one of the most monumental events in American history, newly release...

The Babylon Bee 9 months ago

Insult To Injury: Trump Changes Netflix Password And Now Zelensky Has To Get His Own Account

The Babylon Bee

Insult To Injury: Trump Changes Netflix Password And Now Zelensky Has To Get His Own Account

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On top of losing an economic deal and getting publicly berated on television, President Zelensky arrived at his hotel room onl...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

FBI Investigation Shows Epstein List Shredded Itself

The Babylon Bee

FBI Investigation Shows Epstein List Shredded Itself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a thorough 3-minute investigation, the FBI announced that the highly anticipated Epstein list had shredded itself.

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Cruel: Elon Musk Cuts Off Social Security Benefits For Thousands Of Revolutionary War Veterans

The Babylon Bee

Cruel: Elon Musk Cuts Off Social Security Benefits For Thousands Of Revolutionary War Veterans

U.S. — The Department of Government Efficiency faced renewed calls for independent oversight after news broke that DOGE boss Elon Musk had callou...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Trump Signals U.S. Ready To Forgive Ukraine For Invading Russia

The Babylon Bee

Trump Signals U.S. Ready To Forgive Ukraine For Invading Russia

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Once again willing to be the bigger man, President Trump has signaled that the United States is ready to forgive Ukraine for t...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

The Babylon Bee

Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

CHICAGO, IL — Yet another batch of heathy vegan food was painstakingly synthesized using 957 chemicals earlier today at the Organisynth Corp. la...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Is Elon Musk The Father Of Your Child? Signs To Look For

The Babylon Bee

Is Elon Musk The Father Of Your Child? Signs To Look For

According to reports, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk has a lot of kids, with an estimated three dozen Musk-sired children being announced durin...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Deranged Maniac Fires Off Over 17 Memes In Crowded German Shopping Mall

The Babylon Bee

Deranged Maniac Fires Off Over 17 Memes In Crowded German Shopping Mall

HAMBURG — Chaos erupted and hundreds fled in a German city once again today, after what witnesses described as a "deranged maniac" allege...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

WINNING: Trump Announces Plan To Attack The British And Prussian Forces At Waterloo

The Babylon Bee

WINNING: Trump Announces Plan To Attack The British And Prussian Forces At Waterloo

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's resurgence reached a new level this morning, as President Donald Trump announced a plan to attack the British a...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Impoverished Man Only Has Two Computer Monitors

The Babylon Bee

Impoverished Man Only Has Two Computer Monitors

PALO ALTO, CA — According to sources, a local impoverished man only has two computer monitors on his desk in his home office.

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Jobs Report Shows Skyrocketing Unemployment Among Lizard People

The Babylon Bee

Jobs Report Shows Skyrocketing Unemployment Among Lizard People

U.S. — As the Department of Government Efficiency continued scouring federal agencies on a crusade to eliminate waste and unnecessary positions, ...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Audit Reveals All Fort Knox Gold Replaced With IOUs

The Babylon Bee

Audit Reveals All Fort Knox Gold Replaced With IOUs

FORT KNOX, KY — An audit by the Department Of Government Efficiency has revealed that all the heavy gold bars that were thought to be kept in the...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Von Trapp Family Crosses The Alps Into Switzerland To Escape Free Speech

The Babylon Bee

Von Trapp Family Crosses The Alps Into Switzerland To Escape Free Speech

SALZBURG, AUSTRIA — The well-respected Von Trapp family has reportedly fled across the alps to Switzerland to escape the ever growing threat of f...

The Babylon Bee 10 months ago

Woman Posts Pic Of Her Dinner For Benefit Of Friends Who’ve Never Seen Spaghetti

The Babylon Bee

Woman Posts Pic Of Her Dinner For Benefit Of Friends Who’ve Never Seen Spaghetti

LEXINGTON, KY — Local woman Julie Linton took several pictures of her dinner to post on social media for the benefit of all of her friends who ha...