The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

9 Things Public Schools Won't Tell You About The First Thanksgiving

The Babylon Bee

9 Things Public Schools Won't Tell You About The First Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving week, which brings back memories of what you learned in school about the first Thanksgiving, where pilgrim settlers and nati...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

RFK Jr. Unveils New School Lunches That Are Just A 24-Ounce Ribeye And A White Claw

The Babylon Bee

RFK Jr. Unveils New School Lunches That Are Just A 24-Ounce Ribeye And A White Claw

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Department of Health and Human Services reported that incoming Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was prepari...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Fattest, Sickest Country On Earth Concerned New Health Secretary Might Do Something Different

The Babylon Bee

Fattest, Sickest Country On Earth Concerned New Health Secretary Might Do Something Different

U.S. — Citizens in the most obese, unhealthy country on the face of the planet have expressed concern that new Health Secretary RFK might try to ...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Kamala Appeals To Black Voters By Offering Free Pack of Menthols and Copy of 'Madea's Family Reunion' On DVD

The Babylon Bee

Kamala Appeals To Black Voters By Offering Free Pack of Menthols and Copy of 'Madea's Family Reunion' On DVD

ATLANTA, GA — Continuing her push to bolster support among minority voters, Vice President Kamala Harris appealed to black voters by offering eac...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

CBS Reveals They Interviewed Kamala For 721 Hours In Order To Compile '60 Minutes' Of Usable Footage

The Babylon Bee

CBS Reveals They Interviewed Kamala For 721 Hours In Order To Compile '60 Minutes' Of Usable Footage

NEW YORK, NY — Following allegations of showing different clips of Kamala answering the same question, CBS News defended themselves by revealing ...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

FEMA Warns They Don’t Have The Resources To Block Humanitarian Aid For Next Hurricane

The Babylon Bee

FEMA Warns They Don’t Have The Resources To Block Humanitarian Aid For Next Hurricane

TAMPA, FL — FEMA announced this week they don't have enough resources to block any outside humanitarian aid coming into Florida and surround...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

5 Weeks Into Homeschooling, Parents Google ‘Military Boarding Schools’

The Babylon Bee

5 Weeks Into Homeschooling, Parents Google ‘Military Boarding Schools’

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA — A local couple reached an important milestone in the homeschool education of their children today as they found themselves Goo...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

BREAKING: Libertarian Showers

The Babylon Bee

BREAKING: Libertarian Showers

PITTSBURGH, OH — In a historic first, sources close to supposedly diehard libertarian Colyn Rhodes have just confirmed that the 34-year old criti...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Facebook Renamed More Accurate 'Keeping-Track-Of-People's-Birthdays-Book'

The Babylon Bee

Facebook Renamed More Accurate 'Keeping-Track-Of-People's-Birthdays-Book'

U.S. — Facebook is currently undergoing a name change to bring its brand more in line with its sole remaining use: reminding people of upcoming b...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

'Did You Mean: Donate to Kamala Harris?' Google Asks User Searching For Info On Trump

The Babylon Bee

'Did You Mean: Donate to Kamala Harris?' Google Asks User Searching For Info On Trump

U.S. — Local Internet surfer Dean Chamberlain was confused Monday after his Google search for "Donate to Trump Campaign" presented result...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Youth Pastor Diligently Searching Scripture For Weirdest Possible Baby Name

The Babylon Bee

Youth Pastor Diligently Searching Scripture For Weirdest Possible Baby Name

BUENA PARK, CA — According to sources, a local youth pastor and his wife were seen diligently searching through the Old Testament to find the wei...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

New White House Doctor Sadly Informs Biden Only Cure For COVID Is Euthanasia

The Babylon Bee

New White House Doctor Sadly Informs Biden Only Cure For COVID Is Euthanasia

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington sources report that the White House received "a real downer of a prognosis" yesterday after Dr. Pillary Sch...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Oh No! Piece Of Ear Shot Off Trump Begins To Grow Into Second Trump

The Babylon Bee

Oh No! Piece Of Ear Shot Off Trump Begins To Grow Into Second Trump

BUTLER, PA — Terrifying new reports indicate that a piece of Trump's ear that had been shot off during Saturday's assassination attempt...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Sad: Chicago Mayor Has No One To Award Reparations To Because Everyone Got Murdered

The Babylon Bee

Sad: Chicago Mayor Has No One To Award Reparations To Because Everyone Got Murdered

CHICAGO, IL — In a tragic turn of events, Mayor Brandon Johnson's planned Chicago Reparations Program had to be abandoned after it turned ou...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Buc-ee's Announces First Gas Station in Space

The Babylon Bee

Buc-ee's Announces First Gas Station in Space

HOUSTON, TX — In what many are calling the "biggest advance of the 21st century," official Buc-ee's sources have confirmed that the ...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

‘Welp, 250 Years Wasn't A Bad Run,' Says George Washington Looking On From Heaven

The Babylon Bee

‘Welp, 250 Years Wasn't A Bad Run,' Says George Washington Looking On From Heaven

HEAVEN — Watching as the last vestige of the nation he helped found crumbled, George Washington sighed and remarked that America still had gone o...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Democrats Promise There's No Way A Person Who Entered The Country Illegally Would Ever Vote Illegally

The Babylon Bee

Democrats Promise There's No Way A Person Who Entered The Country Illegally Would Ever Vote Illegally

WASHINGTON, DC — Democrats assured the American people this week there's no way people who entered the country illegally would ever engage i...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Not Good: RFK Jr's Worms Started Dropping Spice In His Brain And Now He's Having Visions Of Galactic Jihad

The Babylon Bee

Not Good: RFK Jr's Worms Started Dropping Spice In His Brain And Now He's Having Visions Of Galactic Jihad

U.S. — Presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hit a slight snag in his campaign strategy this week when worms inside his brain began dropping...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Man Introduces Himself To Next-Door Neighbors Who Just Recently Moved In 9 Years Ago

The Babylon Bee

Man Introduces Himself To Next-Door Neighbors Who Just Recently Moved In 9 Years Ago

CHINO, CA — Residents of a local neighborhood grew more closely knit this week, as a man introduced himself to his next door neighbors who had ju...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Megachurch Worship Leaders Frantically Learning New Taylor Swift Songs For Sunday

The Babylon Bee

Megachurch Worship Leaders Frantically Learning New Taylor Swift Songs For Sunday

SPRINGFIELD, MO — With the unexpected overnight release of her double album, megachurch worship leaders across the country scrambled to spend the...