The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Trump Says His Position On Abortion Is Whichever One Will Get Him Elected

The Babylon Bee

Trump Says His Position On Abortion Is Whichever One Will Get Him Elected

PALM BEACH, FL — In a brilliant political maneuver designed to ensure he wins the election, former President Donald Trump said his position on ab...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Study Finds Link Between Happiness And Not Knowing What's Going On With Steven Crowder

The Babylon Bee

Study Finds Link Between Happiness And Not Knowing What's Going On With Steven Crowder

U.S. — A new study released this week finds a strong correlation between being happy and having no clue what's going on in the personal life...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Financial Advisor Reminds New Parents It's Never Too Early To Start Saving Up Money For Legos

The Babylon Bee

Financial Advisor Reminds New Parents It's Never Too Early To Start Saving Up Money For Legos

U.S. — Parents across the nation are diverting funds typically allocated for college savings into a new, equally demanding investment: Legos. Top...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

'This Movie Is Rated PG, It Should Be Fine For The Kids,' Says Mom Clicking Play On 'Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom'

The Babylon Bee

'This Movie Is Rated PG, It Should Be Fine For The Kids,' Says Mom Clicking Play On 'Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom'

BOISE, ID — A life-changing moment occurred for a group of children today, as a local mother decided a classic film from the 1980s should be fine...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Mexico Begins Constructing Wall To Keep Illegal Immigrants From Coming Back

The Babylon Bee

Mexico Begins Constructing Wall To Keep Illegal Immigrants From Coming Back

PIEDRAS NEGRAS — As the debate in the United States continued to rage over the ongoing migrant crisis along the southern border, Mexico announced...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Nation Reassured As Special Counsel Transcript Reveals Biden Still Able To Make Car Noises With His Mouth

The Babylon Bee

Nation Reassured As Special Counsel Transcript Reveals Biden Still Able To Make Car Noises With His Mouth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation came away reassured after the transcript from Special Counsel Hur demonstrated that President Biden can make car so...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Terrorists Decide Against Hijacking Plane After Realizing It's A Boeing

The Babylon Bee

Terrorists Decide Against Hijacking Plane After Realizing It's A Boeing

U.S. — An attack by a cell belonging to a violent extremist group was averted last week, as terrorists decided against hijacking a plane after fi...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

The Only 10 Things Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On

The Babylon Bee

The Only 10 Things Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On

The country seems more divided than ever these days, and it only gets more intense with it being an election year. It's common, however, to fo...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Hamas Fighter Really Struggling With Resolution Not To Rape Anyone During Ramadan

The Babylon Bee

Hamas Fighter Really Struggling With Resolution Not To Rape Anyone During Ramadan

GAZA — Mohammed Sinwar took time away from raping this week to celebrate Ramadan and confide in his fellow Gazans about the hardship of avoiding ...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Millions Of British Kids Forced To Live Normal, Happy Lives After UK Bans Puberty Blockers

The Babylon Bee

Millions Of British Kids Forced To Live Normal, Happy Lives After UK Bans Puberty Blockers

LONDON, UK — The National Health Service of the United Kingdom announced Monday they will no longer permit children to be prescribed puberty bloc...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Due To Inflation, Subway Introduces New $5 Inch-Long

The Babylon Bee

Due To Inflation, Subway Introduces New $5 Inch-Long

SHELTON, CT — With high prices continuing to ravage the U.S. economy, popular restaurant chains have been forced to come up with more affordable ...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Haitian Cannibal Gangs Pour Over US Border After Seeing How Fat Americans Are

The Babylon Bee

Haitian Cannibal Gangs Pour Over US Border After Seeing How Fat Americans Are

EL PASO, TX — After hearing about the size of the average American, Haitian cannibal gangs rushed the southern border near El Paso this week in a...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Man Thoughtfully Responds To Wife’s Nine-Paragraph Text About Her Day With A Thumbs-Up Emoji

The Babylon Bee

Man Thoughtfully Responds To Wife’s Nine-Paragraph Text About Her Day With A Thumbs-Up Emoji

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA — In what observers believe to be a significant step forward in the area of marital interaction, a local man thoughtfully re...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

San Franciscans Loot Slightly More Than Usual Following Super Bowl Loss

The Babylon Bee

San Franciscans Loot Slightly More Than Usual Following Super Bowl Loss

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The San Francisco 49ers football team lost Sunday night in a heated overtime match against returning champions, the Kansas Ci...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Horrifying Study Finds More Trans People Have Pretend-Died Under DeSantis Than Any Other Governor In History

The Babylon Bee

Horrifying Study Finds More Trans People Have Pretend-Died Under DeSantis Than Any Other Governor In History

TALLAHASSEE, FL — A disturbing new study has confirmed that a record number of trans people are pretending to die in Florida under DeSantis, more...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

Man Who Uses 37 Matches To Start BBQ Grill Pretty Sure He Could Survive Alone In The Woods Of Alaska

The Babylon Bee

Man Who Uses 37 Matches To Start BBQ Grill Pretty Sure He Could Survive Alone In The Woods Of Alaska

DES MOINES, IA — Any impending societal collapse would likely pose no threat to a local man who, despite needing 37 matches to start his grill, e...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

10 Easy Ways To Prepare For The Next Civil War

The Babylon Bee

10 Easy Ways To Prepare For The Next Civil War

With open warfare on every suburban American street imminent, you may find yourself wondering what you can do to best prepare yourself and your fam...

The Babylon Bee 1 year ago

After Lackluster Showing, Nikki Haley Orders Bombing Of Iowa

The Babylon Bee

After Lackluster Showing, Nikki Haley Orders Bombing Of Iowa

DES MOINES, IA — Motivated by a lackluster showing in Monday evening's caucus, presidential candidate Nikki Haley has ordered the bombing of...

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Texas Agrees To Two-State Solution With Austin

The Babylon Bee

Texas Agrees To Two-State Solution With Austin

AUSTIN, TX — In what has been talked about as a "last-ditch attempt" to avoid all-out war, Texas has announced it has agreed to a two-sta...

The Babylon Bee 2 years ago

Canada Requires All Men's Rooms To Have Tampons In Case Of Justin Trudeau Visit

The Babylon Bee

Canada Requires All Men's Rooms To Have Tampons In Case Of Justin Trudeau Visit

OTTAWA — A new law passed in Canada this week required all men's room across the country to stock tampons in case Justin Trudeau pops in and...