Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle.

Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't have an established user base.

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I have what I think is a pretty good act." The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird imitations?"

The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. -- G. B. Shaw

Ballistophobia: Fear of bullets; Otophobia: Fear of opening one's eyes. Peccatophobia: Fear of sinning. Taphephobia: Fear of being buried alive. Sitophobia: Fear of food. Trichophobbia: Fear of hair. Vestiphobia: Fear of clothing.

Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.

Keep refrigerated.

You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.

Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood.

Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.

A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.

Hmm... Which would do a better job at driving physicists crazy? Travel faster than light, or a floating-point boolean value? -- Michael Mol

In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person. -- Margaret Anderson

There was a phone call for you.

Limitations on coverage and remedies apply.

In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. -- Bruton

It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?

Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's a-comin'."

The idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley Montague