We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee." The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition

Patch griefs with proverbs. -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? A: There's a footprint in the mayo. Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There's two footprints in the mayo. Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? A: The door won't shut. Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.

Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.

An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.

You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.

Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.

Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. -- Mark Twain

You will engage in a profitable business activity.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. -- Mark Twain

You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.

Snow Day -- stay home.

Snow Day -- stay home.

The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last Days of Pompeii." Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain

You would if you could but you can't so you won't.

You will wish you hadn't.

Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? A: A howdah duty.

Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.