Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal!' -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.

Your business will assume vast proportions.

People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.

You are capable of planning your future.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain

You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.

Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.

Never laugh at live dragons. -- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]

Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.

The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the works of Shakespeare. One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

Don't get to bragging.

You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) -- by Charles Dickens A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) -- by Franz Kafka A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) -- by J. R. R. Tolkien Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. Hamlet LITE(tm) -- by Wm. Shakespeare A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie. -- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"