Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. -- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.

Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can't get down off an elephant.

"... all the modern inconveniences ..." -- Mark Twain

Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. -- Mark Twain

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.

Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey? A: Nothing.

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. -- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain

Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature.

An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.

Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.

You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.

Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? A: To impress Jodie Foster.

All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.