Break into jail and claim police brutality.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. -- Mark Twain

You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.

Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? A: It wasn't IBM compatible.

You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.

He jests at scars who never felt a wound. -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"

Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle.

If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.

Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.

Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.

At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. -- John Keats

You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." -- Mark Twain

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author -- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]