Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." -- Mark Twain

You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.

You will be divorced within a year.

A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.

Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.

You will have a long and boring life.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Knock, knock! Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening...

You will be married within a year.

You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

It's all in the mind, ya know.

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter. -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.