Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? A: He changes the domain.

Communicate! It can't make things any worse.

You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.

Beware of Bigfoot!

Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon.

Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator.

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.

This was the most unkindest cut of all. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit cards.

You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.