Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.

Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.

You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.

And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?

Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, "and some cigarettes."

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo. -- Rachel Sheeley, winner The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again. -- Claudia Fields, runner-up It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the worst possible novel.

While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar." -- Mark Twain

My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. -- Mark Twain

You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.

You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.

People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.

You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.

Today is what happened to yesterday.

To be or not to be. -- Shakespeare To do is to be. -- Nietzsche To be is to do. -- Sartre Do be do be do. -- Sinatra

Beware of Bigfoot!