The doctor tells the fluid dynamics professor that he needs to get more fluids in him, so he starts taking bigger breaths.

Buddy behind me leaning on his horn as if I'M the reason the light is red. How does he know???

A lot of you don't know this, but in real life I'm actually a the owner of a small shop in the city. I consider myself to be a very progressive person. I'm always keeping up to date on the latest movements and I always try to elevate marginalized voices. I used to have this whole community of customers just like me. But one day I said something pretty stupid that got taken way, way out of context and it spread all over social media. I was devestated when the next day, some of my favorite customers left and never came back. At first I thought that would be it, but people talked and news spread quickly. Within not even two weeks, my business was completely empty. A single person showed up and took a look around. But my last bit of hope was completely dashed when he came up to me and asked "Is this the RACIST store where all the RASISTS shop at???" Finally I just shouted "YES! That's me! I'm the person everyone is talking about! I'm who all the posts are about! What fo you want from me?!" He was shocked and taken aback. He explained to me "oh, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to say that you have some really nice things here, and that me and all my racist friends would love to shop here." So uh, yeah. My store is now about the same popularity as it was before the incident, and I'm selling all the same things, just to different people. Nowdays I am VERY careful with what I say and post on social media. I've already overheard some of my racist customers talking about how he "had to stop going to the mysogenist store where all the mysogenists shop", and he said it was because "some of my favorite racists are women." So anyway, watch your words out there everybody!

A lot of people think that just because they are able to perform a lot of useful and valuable tasks that other people aren't, that means that they are more likely to live a better life and accomplish a lot more. However the truth is that a person's problem solving skills only matter relative to their problems. A lot of people who consider themselves proficient at tasks others struggle with will just compensate by giving themselves problems that they can't solve either. Some common excuses are: "I'm so smart that I am able to see all the problems in the world that everybody else is too dumb to see. It's just my fault for not choosing blissful ignorance and stupidity! I just fail at life because I'm depressed, and because I'm too self aware to participate in the farce of modern society. I'm not bad at life, it's my unbalanced neurochemistry that's holding me back!" But the truth is that if someone is wise then they will make rules for themselves that even an idiot could follow in order to live a good life. The key to life success isn't always being right! The key to success is choosing your patterns of reasoning and behavior so that you don't have to be right and you'll still succeed!

Pro tip: don't smack a mosquito that lands on your balls. Wait until it lands on somebody else's balls.

Doing a little cooking and the smoke detector went off. Fuck you! I'm literally just boiling water!

Activists nowdays suck balls, they've learned nothing about how to win over society. Back in the Jim Crow days they knew what was up. Nine months before Rosa Parks was kicked off of her bus, Claudette Colvin experienced something similar. So that raises the question: why does everyone know the name "Rosa Parks" instead of "Claudette Colvin?" It's because Claudette Colvin was a nigger! She was only 15 years old and already she was pregnant without a father in sight! Thank god Rosa Parks, the wonderful black woman, took advantage of how completely negligent and obstinate the racists were at the time to manufacture her own, far better controversy. Without people like Rosa Parks, the civil rights movement would have been dead in the water! But look at what we have nowdays! People like George Floyd are somehow the face of movements like BLM, even though he was a horrific person by all standards. Have y'all lost your touch?! If you want your movement to succeed, if you want to prove that the other side is evil, then you need to find a single virtuous person willing to stand in front of their oppressors and let themselves get harassed or killed while they don't so much as lift a finger to protect themselves. If you can't find a Jesus to sacrifice on the cross then your movement is doomed to fail. Why don't people understand this? If you want other people on your side (trust me, you do) then buckle up and take it up the ass! Rip the bandaid off now, cause if you don't you're going to lose!

Is int the shortest C data type? It's only three letters, so that's pretty short.

Whenever you say something that makes you look good, always try and find a way to twist it to make yourself look bad or nobody will take it seriously. Demonstrate that you are saying it 'cause it's true, not 'cause you want to make yourself look better than you are.

Willy Wonka's Violet chracter, except instead of chewing bubble gum, she vapes.

Fun fact, the french word for "orgasm" is "rigor mortis" and it means "the little death."