"I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me." -Wreck-it Ralph after molesting a child

I have a very expensive proscription. Unfortunately I left the money for that proscription in my pocket... and then washed my clothes. The cash got completely shredded. I went back to the bank and the teller goes "hello! What brings you back here so soon?" Apparently "laundering drug money" was not the correct answer to give in those circumstances.

I've decided I'll start going "a wise man once said..." and then I'll just quote myself.

i summon bkue eyes abyss dragon then have sex with it i end my turn

I asked my therapist about it, and apparently hearing voices is actually very abnormal. Although I wanted a second opinion, so I asked the voice and he confirmed that no, my therapist was wrong. Hearing voices is actually perfectly normal and not a sign of an undiagnosed brain tumor. I don't know why the voice keeps bringing up brain tumors so often; it's actually really annoying and even a little creepy.

Respectfully officer, I disagree. My inability to walk in a straight line is NOT evidence of intoxication. It is actually just evidence of the dildo.

People always ask me: Scoundrel, why do you always work so hard? I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Working yourself to death is a win-win scenario. Win 1: nobody will ever accuse you of being lazy. Win 2: you won't actually have to do any work because you will be dead.

Just tried a little bit of recreational meth, and MAN have I been so productive since then! I had no idea this entire time that sleep was actually completely optional for human beings! Fun fact: did you know that the reason people sleep is because they are weak willed?

Gay chicken is the game where two straight males pretend to be gay, and the first one to cum loses.