Anxious Avoidant Escalation Loop
When my glow disappears,
And I’m facing my fears,
When I‘m sitting in my abandoned cave,
And withhold myself from the FEEling I so much crave.
When my vision isn’t clear,
and people are there but no one is near,
When every song that I randomly hear,
Makes me shed a crocodile tear.
When I sit through the nights trying to find out what went wrong.
Why the person I loved is suddenly gone?
Was I too much or just not enough?
When did it shift from smooth into rough? What have I missed?
Didn’t you feel the magic every time that we kissed?
Then I think that if I was really regarded,
I wouldn’t have been just used and discarded.
I know I’m not perfect, but I know that I’ve tried.
I miss reading you stories to calm us at night.
Next morning I woke up, no connection in sight.
When I tried to repair, you wanted to fight. Until I whatever I did, it didn’t feel right.
The trauma bond lay beyond our might.
It hurts, it stings, but I’ll be alright.
Some time has passed since you’ve gone away.
I still wake up missing you –
every day.
I guess some part of you will always stay,
the one that sends miracles along my way.
The FEEling is fading it‘s the beginning of may.
Here are the things I never dared to say:
I really wanted to make babies with you.
I was scared by the fact that you worked for the taboo.
Because if you get paid to lie professionally, what would keep you from lying to me?
I guess thats where I started distrusting you. Because you did lie to me, and blamed me for being honest with you.
I hated the feeling of being rejected.
When you just hung up the phone I felt disrespected.
I know I was part of it, but it wasn’t all me, non violent communication of needs and boundaries — this is the key
to increase our depth of emotional capacity.
I never saw it as a game of you vs. me.
And by shifting blame, we can never break free.
I guess I felt blamed, which made me ashamed, because the way I saw me, I was holding the key.
I tried to exhaustion to unlock your heart and within that process mine broke apart.
I guess if we could reset and restart, my key unlocks mine, and you do your part.
Though through it all I loved you deeply,
No matter if angry or worried or sleepy,
I wish I could have shared more core memories with you.
But I guess you didn’t feel like that too.
Now I’m here in my castle where I can finally rest.
I hope you’ll find someone that passes the test.
After all the pain I have been through, I still wish you the best.
How do I feel now?
I guess I feel blessed.
Reclaiming Infinite Peace
