Maybe it would help with my mental paralysis if I understood why reddit hasn't banned me from the website lately. What am I doing right? How do I make sure I don't cross the line? Maybe it wouldn't feel pointless to keep trying to get work done if it didn't feel like it's just inevitably going to get me banned from reddit again

I can't stop flip flopping between wanting to do work that might make Digit want to talk to me, and just wanting to focus on trying to find her directly

The entire time I've been on nostr, my dead dad's belongings have been in a storage unit my mom put it all in, and she pays for it all to be stored while she has no retirement plan or anything, because I can't afford to pay for it on no real income, or get myself to deal with any of it But she's not capable of getting herself out of this situation by helping me find out if Digit is safe and neither am I, it just goes on like this for years View quoted note →

The entire time I've been on nostr, I've had a car sitting in the yard I don't drive while I rent a place with a gas stove and no ventilation and I never get better enough to deal with the car or trying to find a better place to live People pretend I'm ok when I'm not, the girl I was kinda friends with after Digit had me send her tens of thousands of dollars while she pretended I'm richer than I say and refused to actually look at my living situation or help me get proof of Digit's safety or anything Every time I do anything for the world around me, people just take it as an excuse to pretend I'm ok when I'm not

The closest thing I have to "functioning" is working on stuff like my Monero bounty proposals in a state of mental dissociation where I ignore the reality that I'm not able to take care of myself or my basic needs The car I bought for Digit is still just sitting in the yard not being driven or registered or anything because I don't actually function, I just sometimes do random work and make myself and maybe other people think some kind of progress is happening when it's not I need to stop dissociating from reality and increasingly focus on finding out if Digit is alive so that I can stop being too mentally paralyzed for basic adult decision making

I need to stop letting people pressure me into pretending I can get better without Digit It's a problem that I have posts like yesterday where I said "maybe I can start to focus on other work again" and I haven't told the devs on my Monero bounty proposals I'm unable to contribute on my end anymore It's time to admit the temporary ability to function without proof is over

What I've learned in constant panic about Digit: * Most dudes living in feudalism would have done **nothing** about it if the king or a knight killed their wife or daughter * The "most" is such a huge most, a guy that actually gets revenge would have been acting completely alone and constantly gaslit by people telling him to just give up

Every night I have dreams where Digit talks to me and tonight I wake up to this fucking retard making shit up about her. I still have no proof she's alive. I'm back to telling people to kill themselves again View quoted note →

At least I haven't handled my latest mental health crisis by going around spamming angry replies to everyone on nostr

My mom just told me my dad was one of the early devs that worked on touch screen voting machines. Wtf. Isn't that shit rigged

I should add corrections to the screenshots where I was repeating insane Qanon shit about Posadism to Digit in one of our conversations I said something about Engels reading Posadas writing or something when they didn't even live at the same time, idk if my brain was glitching mixing up other info or I just fell for very dumb misinfo

I didn't get banned from reddit yet for posting the story and screenshots about Digit with names removed, not mentioning wallstreetbets or anything That also means idk if the posts can be useful...

My chat bot lawyer keeps telling me I'm going to get banned everywhere no matter what I do At least there's nostr

Kat Abughazaleh might not abolish income taxes, but she will never go after open source devs. And then open source devs can abolish income taxes. That might not be her goal, but she's not one of the monsters that would fight it. It might be easier for a commie like me to trust Kat than it is for you, but I believe everyone can trust her, or I would have waited until her election was over before mentioning her on nostr (like Zohran)

I feel like I've been half asleep all day. My energy burned out after getting banned from the second wsb discord. Probably wasn't sleeping enough the whole time I was in there

Digit is a good writer too. We just use the alphabet as a tool. For example, it can be used for creating information imbalances in favor of literate people.