A mother makes her daughter responsible for her feelings of self hatred. Grandmother to mother, mother to daughter. All victims. All aggressors. All hurt and words and discussions and needing to feel understood but talking past each other and never moving forward. So much poison.

Love dies in anger. Unresolved rage. That's what we fear to go towards. That's the gift of my day of enlightenment. I released immense rage. Hate for the other. Annihilation of the duality of love and hate. Perfection and an unfathomable hell.

I don't lose things.

Today she calls me to say we should live separately for a while. I did not believe her. I remained calm. I am able to observe and transform my emotions. They cannot rule me. We end the call with her admitting she's using toxicity and drama as a cry for help. She's in pain. She is the source of that pain. Only she can convince herself she is loved. I will not feed the monster. She is such a beautiful soul... But like this an evil cunt. I don't want it anymore. I don't think she does either. This is our healing process. We've been through so much.

Perfectionism is a mental illness that stems from trauma. It is the need to feel perfect - not be perfect.

My wife has a rule: everything for the child. Sacrifice everything. Even sanity. It comes from her mother, who cannot separate herself from her daughter or her granddaughter.

My wife is emotionally abusive. I can finally admit it to myself.

I experienced a complete lack of love this morning. My wife is unwell. She confuses me forgetting things with her father abandoning her. This leads to some extremely agresive behaviour from her. She is abusive. She repents later. The cycle continues.

This body feels pain. It is the heart chakra. I sit with it. The pain intensifies over days. I have a minor panic attack in the super market. It's the first one I've had in over a decade I think. It's a turning point. The pain is transformed into heat. It tickles. Is this pain? This body feels release. The feeling rises to my throat, to my eyes. Tears well up. The pain is transmuted. No words necessary. My heart is bruised. It needs to recover.

Love is the fabric of the universe There is only one soul We are just prisms through which the light of love shines through We are but purtubabtions of the ground state The closer to the ground state we become, the brighter the light It is our job to polish and tend to the prism we are given To remove impurities That is all we can do All else, external to our true self - inner ego, outer form, life situation - is a direct result of our efforts to tend to our prism.

I forget many things because I'm not present. The day of enlightenment brought a flood of memories. If I've forgotten something it means I'm blocked in some way.

When all internal dialogue is gone. When there is nothing of the story of you that remains, love is all that is left. This is a truth I had no concept of until it happened to me. I never uttered the word god with meaning until that day.

We came to the ocean. I needed to let it know I'd lost my job. Two kids. One newborn. The reason doesn't matter. We are where we are. All we have is love. Surrounded by luxury. With wealth. It is irrelevant. We may live on our bitcoin. I'd rather not. This is no prayer for salvation. It is a meditation on the now. We are loved. We is love.

There is only one protocol: Now. Unfolding now. Forever now. Infinite now. Now is all you have and all you lose when you leave the now. The now continues. The now remains.

I hadan profile called secessio plebis. I was fighting to let go. Now I have. Now I am love.