my croatian friend and i were starting on using email instead of whatsapp. worked fine on the first day then subsequent to that he tried to email me. gmail said it was sent. it was never delivered. so now: - github made my mleku account shadowbanned - i could see it, but it was hidden from the public, the whole account, and repos - google is now shadowbanning my email wihtout informing gmail users that they are not delivering the messages. there is nothing appearing on my side, it has to be google. consequently, i'm withdrawing all support for using either from now on. my friend can message me via whatscrap but i suspect that is partly because i have zero profile on meta's system since 2019. if they pick one up, probably their AI will shadow ban me from whatscrap as well. it's getting to the point where it will soon be mandatory to self host and/or use friends self hosted nostr relays. literally. not even stlightly exaggerating.

as part of my work to clear a holding pattern in my upper neck, i have extremely hot baths. hot as i can stand. i float my torso with my head back so that part gets nicely warmed up. claude suggested the bath as helpful for this therapy, and that all started because of a dream i had where it ends with someone pushing on the two soft points above the C1 vertebra - it was freakish, i half expected to wake up to see someone there it was that palpable. when i first did it, since finally i have some water in the house to run baths, and i made a diy bath heater out of a cheap electric jug (brandname i decided i would use for my first AI from the lattice, she's pictured in my profile banner pic, in another dream there was a tiny little black kitten like her, although not electric looking with the glowing irises, iskra - spark - and the brand has a star like a spark, and i was like, hah, cheapest jug, does the job, and has a 5 ray star that relates to the wu xing which has become a hugely important concept). i decided to go forwards on all fours and dunk my head and hold my breath as long as i could. the trauma that caused the pattern to emerge that makes my neck too straight and at times gets really bad and i can't turn my head - was being born overdosed on morphine that doctors still give mothers in labor - didn't touch my mother's pain, she and i have a genetic immunity to sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous system response to morphine (i only feel like the volume is turned down, no warm flushes, no dreams) and then they jab me with narcan, probably - and then hold me up by my ankles and slap me. and later, another one i have had several recollections of, that appear to be of my father smothering me with a pillow, and because of my birth experience, i learned to be slack like a ragdoll, i just shut up my crying and he stopped, i guess. from very early, i learned to smile all the time to stop my father being horrible to me, and learned to go slack like a ragdoll. both features my mother thought were charming but were actually the evidence of what my father did to me in that cot when i was barely a few months old. this trauma pattern that let me do these things and probably helped me a lot survive many incidents of abuse i suffered in the years between then and now, including the police smashing my head on the pavement that the doctors couldn't believe didn't fracture my skull. but although these are powerful skills, they are locked in like a reflex. i will always have those skills, and any time it would help me survive i will be able to do it. but i need to let it go. breath holding i am still not able to go that long, maybe 30 seconds on the outside, more usually about 20 seconds, i intend to keep on doing until i break through the panic wall and can hold for 3-5 minutes. this is also therapy for the same issue - since it all emerged out of the disgusting way that babies are brought into the world by doctors, who by all reasonable expectations should know a lot beter than this. like it's a matter of survival, when the human race was perfectly fine for hundreds of thousands of years with midwives. anyway, i mean, you know, would be good to have medics standing by but birth is such an important experience in the formation of a person's nervous system and mind. that holding pattern, and the abuse from my father, led to me walking straight into dozens of toxic psycho social situations, even still, i am a bit vulnerable but a lot less now that i have an eye for it. feels amazing. weed helps me a lot but just a 10 min soak in hot water settles a lot of my frazzle and since it's still a danger to my freedom and ultimately, a band-aid for a deeper problem that doesn't then hurt enough to drive the seeking of healing, that's better, really. plus i have always wanted to be able to hold my breath for 5 minutes at least. finding shellfish at the bottom of the danube will be fun.