Thread

it launders toxic shit, and it is clinical and inhumane

tilly's issue was just giving care and love that the other person isnt able to receive or reciprocate as in: i cant owe you this much, i cant pay it back, and now i feel grotesque in your presence and uncomfortable by the wealth of your generosity and impoverishment of mine, i am literally too embarrassed to be in your company any longer

im not saying it is conscious in that person tilly may just come across as a smother mother, or weirdly infantilizing their friend, or some unnamed oppressive thing, or fake, like why are you roleplaying that you care by braiding my hair while i am vulnerable when you dont even know me, the real me, and i know you dont, cos i dont

cos all this also cascades and likely, she doesnt have the history or context for instance: if tilly is showing up in such a way that this person's ex partners never did, their own mom never did well, it isnt cos love like this doesnt exist it is cos those people were incapable and we are wired to ~especially~ defend, largely unconsciously, our parents treatment of us

so tilly's arrival and tilly's care is evidence that hey this kind of love existed all along, you just never got to have it which for many people, is a realization that hurts way way way worse, and they really prefer not to have to pay that cost, they would rather break thr friendship with you

finally some people, right out the gate, are really wired for loss, on a hair trigger about it, like yo you simply are not welcome if you do shit like this, cos i already know if you do, that i would rather die than lose you, and im not trying to live my life this way, knowing the actual loss of our friendship would kill me, so id rather not be friends from the jump

a goldilocks thing ultimately, to me anyway good rubric to navigate by not too hot or too cold, finding your peeps who are just right, sure little wobbles, but never thrown into a pot of boiling water

people dont like to feel beholden beholden feels manipulative and exhausting this cultural is very unwell and transactional takes a lot to learn that some things really are free, would happen with or without you, exist beyond reciprocity, simply are a tree does not grow branches and leaves to make shade for you in the summer a tree does not grow to become your firewood or a chair a tree is on their own tip doing their own thing, can be grateful for the shade, but it wasnt made for you

should trees start charging for time they spend holding hammocks and treehouses if they dont is it gonna get a little weird? chop down that tree before you owe it too much, i dont like the look about that tree, it sorta looms, makes me uncomfortable

i should assertively communicate to that tree my articulated and specific boundaries and yo, wait was there just a breeze? am i crazy? or are those branches swaying suggestively? is this also a slutty tree?

now im out here owing a slutty tree? what misfortune under god what did i ever do to deserve