No doubt about your expertise in GPUs and algorithms, I appreciate it. Having to scan for 24 hours and download the entire blockchain to get your zaps is just completely misguided IMO. Ignoring the fact that on-chain zaps are inherently retarded.

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Lots of things in nostr are retarded. We have literally one of the worst protocols ever made from an engineering standpoint. So forgive for not following the norm. The UX alone of having a quick hot wallet without relying on custody or channels or vendor APIs is beautiful. If we can fix the privacy issue, it will be better.. but as it stands might more sense than you think at first glance.
I'm not saying follow the protocol, the protocol is indeed stupid and I think it should change in various ways. That's just not a good argument or neither worth it to make things worse in so many other dimensions.
Its about the UX. Everything else we have tried has absolutely sucked big time for users. This is the first time in 4 years that we found a good experience out of anything related to Bitcoin on nostr. Lots of problems, yes. But you can't deny how cool it is and how fast sats are moving, even on chain.