Maybe the group tag in 10009 should be indexable so you could look up which relay the people you are interested in are using; yes, the random id can have conflicts but who cares; you can pull the 39000 and show it and the user can decide which one they meant
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I forgot about 10009, no need for it to be indexable. You can just fetch that event from other people that were in the group and see how they have updated it. Well, you can just fetch the one from the group owner.