"Is it enough only to go 'back in time' and remember oneself as a small child to see that our ordinary thoughts are not our Self. It is only enough to remember how we confronted ultimate reality as children--the reality of death and injury--to see that our everyday thoughts, even our careful, logical thinking, are not the self, not the soul. When the young child needs to understand, when you or I need to understand a mystery, and ultimate fact, an overpowering reality, then and only then do we taste the begining of a new kind of thinking that comes from the inner self. Such thinking has very little in common with the views and opinions that fly in and out of the socially conditioned mind." -- Jacob Needleman, Tine and the Soul (2003)
I didn't sleep well last night. I fell asleep in the recliner at 10. At 11 I woke up, brushed and flossed my teeth, swished some mouthwash, said goodnight to everyone, gave Annie a kiss, and went to bed.
3 AM I was up worrying and couldn't fall back asleep. I go through phases like this. I think it's my soul communicating I need to course correct. I straighten up and pay attention, or I suffer more. It has communicated like this for as long as I can remember.
It's a mystery. As much as I don't like the experience l like the mystery of it.
One time when it happened I begged God to tell me what I need to do. I got an answer.
"Keep writing"
I calmed down and fell asleep on the couch.
Sometimes I will grab Annie's arm, lay it across my chest and scratch it. I listen to a Zen Monk on YouTube. When anxiety becomes to overwhelming for him he works to remind himself that all there is Now and the relationship he is sharing at the moment.
Course correction. Focus on what matters.
I was talk to a guy at work the other day. He's having insomnia. He's on blood pressure pills and anti anxiety medicine. I made sure to tell him that I go through the same thing, but to a lesser degree.
When I started reading Daniel Quinn, or as we say nowadays went down the rabbit hole, as far as one can go with dialup internet and physical books, he mentioned the Age of Anxiety in one of his essays. It started in the 1950's. When my parents were hiding under their desks at school doing drills in case of a nuclear attack.
It was relief to read that. That it wasn't me who was just prone to anxiety. The whole damn culture was riddled with it.
Literature can be a lifeline.
I have been pondering this idea:
We are children of parents.
We are children of culture.
We are children of nature.
Quinn spoke to the child in nature in me back at the turn of the century. He masterfully helped me understand why we are doing what we are doing to the earth. God it was relief to hear it.
I think the only way he got through was my socially conditioned self was rattled enough in my late teens, early 20's that I had ears to listen. Or to say it another way, the child of culture was disarmed and confused.
I may be barking up the wrong tree this morning, but I'm going to keep barking. I need sleep so I can be present for my family and community,
Morning fire #22
11.3.25
