Becoming B

"The future already exists; your life has already been lived; you have only to in habit this life as it 'unreels'--inhabit it from moment to moment with faith in the Creator of all lives. This moment-to-moment to faith in the Creator of destiny is the experiential equivalent of the moment-to-moment search for contact with one's self." Jacob Needleman, Time and The Soul (2003)

Good morning. 🔥 Morning Fire 48 11.28.25

The Bean Brook on the way to Thanksgiving Dinner.

Home on Thanksgiving morning. Whoever sees this I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. 🦃

With family in front of fire 47. Thankful to be together. Especially after yesterday. I almost got crushed on Highway 63' in Springbrook making a left hand turn into the Post Office. Looked in my rear view mirror to see a semi coming at a speed too fast to stop. Without hesitation I eased my jeep over to the right. He must've seen me in time to move his rig over and get around me. As he passed that's when the adrenaline, anger, and swearing kicked in. Calmness prevailed when needed. I got out at the Post Office to see if he or she could see my brake lights. They were snow free. I do drive a white jeep, so I tried to give the driver the benefit of the doubt. All my lights were clear. Lucky. To live another day. We got 8 inches at the house. Wet, sticky snow. Hard to shovel. Underneath the ground not frozen. It was tough going on the mail route. I delivered in 4-wheel drive except when I got on bare pavement. Road salt does wonders once the sun hits it. Everything got delivered. Well, that's it for now. Going to turn my attention to people in the room. I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. 🦃

From the mail trail: The Namekagon River just outside of Earl, WI at sunset. 11.26.25

Snow out there. I don't know how much. I asked Annie at midnight. She thought 4 to 5 inches then. I looked out the window a bit ago. It looked like it was snowing. I didn't make much of an effort to see.I will be working in it in about 15 minutes. Clearing off the jeep, feeding animals, then delivering mail in it all day. I ran when it was beginning to fall last night. It didn't take long for my feet to get wet and my shirt to get soaked. I always take interest in the way I feel sitting in a car delivering mail in the cold falling snow with the heaters blowing on me compared to being out in it working out with light clothes on. The latter more of a pleasure. There's something about letting go, letting the cold in for a bit. Like relaxing a clinched fist. Off to the mail trail. I hope you have a great day.

Good morning. Back to the mail trail today. I head out the door in 5 minutes, this fire should be burned down by then. It's supposed to snow sometime today. It's 40 out there now. It's going to have to cool down for it to turn into anything. Two mail vehicles sit in the yard with snow tires. There's 4 more on the way for the other jeep. That eases my mind a little. I'm off. Hope you have a great day! Morning fire 45 11.25.25

Good morning from the front of morning fire 44 🔥 11.24.25

Good morning!🔥 Fire 43 11.23.25

I had a lot of Amazon packages yesterday. I don't think I could've fit another box in my jeep. I've been saying this more and more lately. There was a period this summer where it felt whatever distributes the packages knew the size of my vehicles. It was smooth. Things fit nicely. Not lately though. It'll get to the middle of the week and I will get giant boxes. That's when the stress level goes up. They're hard to handle and fit. Sometimes there will be 50 pound dog food bags in them. The woman that works next to me had a couple plastic plastic sleds packed in big boxes last week. Someone told me yesterday the Black Friday deals are starting. I imagine the volume and size of packages are going to increase from here on out. Seen some nice bucks on the mail trail the past couple days. That's it for now. Off to the mail trail. Morning fire 41 11.21.25

6 AM. Good morning 🔥 Morning fire 40 11.20.25

I have 15 minutes to go before this fire is burned down. Then I head out the door to throw hay and start the mail jeep. It's back to work. I finished mowing brush on the back side of our land last evening. After I shut the tractor off I made it a point to watch the sunset in the quiet. It wasn't long and I had my phone out. Unconsciously of course. The algorithm showed me a post about Robert Frost. I read it unhurried. It seemed like it was the perfect read for the moment. I shared it after reading. It was about the hardship he faced in life. There was a time in my life when I payed no attention to contemporary media. I read philosophy and books that called me. Did the algorithm know that? That's when it felt like the gods were looking out for me. I was connected to something deeper. I wasn't too far from the spot where we camp as a family when I read the Frost piece. It's been 2 years since we've been there. Anyway, I got back to the other side of the land where our house is and Hayden started forging. It was dark by then. And as I filled wheelbarrows with hay from a distance I could see the red glow of the steel he was pounding. The glow reminded of flow, our family flow. Morning fire 39 11.19.25

My 3rd and final day off from the mail trail. Tomorrow it's back to work. It's 19 out there. I stepped out at 3:30 AM. The sky was full of stars. Yesterday I looked up the moon cycles. The moon is New on the 20th. Two days from now. I mowed brush on the other side of the Bean last evening. Enough to keep the trails open. I quit when I couldn't see. Then I texted Hayden. In no time he was there to pick me up. He had the heaters on high in the cab. That felt good to get into. I almost talked myself out of mowing. I wanted to just stay around the house with my family while they were outside working. Company and companionship. I was reading today's journal entries from years prior. Last year I wrote: "Two years ago I was buying Bitcoin in the 16 thousands after the FTX crash. Right now it is 90K. Unbelievable." Yesterday it fell below 90K. Depressing. It was feeling like it would never drop below 100K ever again. From 2023: "Hayden (14 yrs. old) came in tonight from feeding animals. He was looking at the stars. He was asking questions about constellations. The waxing moon is in the sky right now." I'm going to watch the fire and attempt to read "Time and The Soul," by Jacob Needleman. Reading a book in front of the fire is usually calming. I hope you have a great day! Fire 38 11.18.25

I fed the animals hay the same time I usually do this morning, right around 6:30. The only difference is I lit the fire after I fed them. It's my day off. I can do that. On the days I deliver mail the fire comes before feeding hay. I would say throughout my adult life -- close to 30 years now if adulthood starts at 25, which seems to be the consensus -- the collapse of our way of life has been at the forefront of my mind. To put it another way, the breakdown of civilization. It feels like it has been breaking down for my entire life, 51 years now. It wasn't until living with my grandparents did it really start to weigh on me though. I moved in with them a month before I turned 18. At that time in my life I wanted to start over. I was in trouble with the law in my hometown. All of it related to drinking and driving violations. My Grandpa, shortly after I moved in, said with a chuckle that what I did reminded him of a song: "I Fought the Law and The Law Won." He didn't seem to think it was that big of deal. I assume he'd found trouble a number of times in his life by then. Grandparents in general have a different eye for things it seems. They have the ability to connect with their kid's kids at a different level. It's archetypal, so I've read. My Grandpa, looking back, had his own way of dealing with the breakdown of civilization, or the chaos and change he was experiencing. He blamed a group of people. And I hated it. I resisted it the whole time I lived with him and afterwards. I listen to political podcasts almost all day long when I deliver mail. I hear the same sentiment, just dressed in different clothes. It's the republicans, democrats, christians, whites, immigrants, muslims, Jews, billionaires, bums, technocrats, men, women, and the list goes on. Annie and I were talking about this yesterday. And I wondered if the anger, rage, and blame stems from the giant herds of buffalo being gone. It doesn't necessarily have to be the buffalo, it can be any nonhuman we knew existed but have been wiped out or severely knocked back. That's it for now. I'm working on finding some solid ground amidst what seems to be the ever increasing social, political, economic, and environmental chaos. Morning fire 37 11.17.25

This I tell you: decay is inherent in all conditioned things. Work out your own salvation, with diligence. ~ Gautama Buddha

Yes please!

Good morning. It's my first of 3 days off from the mail trail. The sun is already shining out there. It's 7 40 AM. Still below freezing at 30 degrees. I am going to mow trails on the backside of our land today. That's the plan anyway. Annie has got some things she wants me to do around the house, like dig holes for a hitching post for the horse. Sophie (13 yrs. old) is getting into riding. Which I'm happy about. My mom was a horse girl. My wife is. Now my daughter. Funny how that works. I've been hearing stories about horses for as long as I can remember. It's going to be a full day like usual. I get on here and write to tell my story again and again. It's therapeutic. Life seems to be getting more chaotic. It's my age (51!) and the times we live in I think. Something shifted in the universe during Covid. I'm trying to remember who I am amidst the chaos. I am a child of 3 things: Parents, nature, and culture. My culture tells me that we are put here to conquer and rule the world. I don't think we were. We're just one species among countless others. Yet it feels like we carry a heavier responsibility. I keep thinking of that quote by Gurdjieff. I'll paraphrase "If humanity falls the Earth falls." One thing I like about that quote is that it makes it bigger than me. I am part of a larger vision and aim. I don't want either to fall! I'm not going to be here forever. There will be those that come after me. You're going to probably laugh at this. But when I move dead deer off the road it feels like the woods is watching me. Like I said yesterday, the least I can do is get the deer off the concrete and into or near the woods so it can return to the land. I know it will eventually anyway, but I like to give a hand and make things easier when I can. It's a sacred process, the deer returning to the land. No, not it getting hit by a motor vehicle at 60 miles an hour. That's a tragedy. That's one thing I like about the other side of the Bean Brook. It's where I'm going to mow today. I call it the other side because the Bean Brook cuts through the middle of our land creating a land locked 15 acres or so. It's hard to get to. I have to cross my neighbor's land to get to it. It feels like a sanctuary. A protected piece of land away from the modern madness. I wish I had more time just to be back there. Mow, burn, cut firewood, hunt, plant native plants, show it off to Bean Brook Nursery customers, etc. That's one reason why I'm so into Bitcoin. I've listened to a lot of people tell their stories about walking away from their hamster wheel jobs and into creative work because of Bitcoin. I want the freedom to be in bib overalls working on the land more. The hard part, it happens, will be walking away from the meaning mail carrying gives me. Ok, Annie is up now. I should go. Get the other part of my day going. If you've made it this far I hope you have a great Sunday. You deserve it. :-) Morning fire 36 11.16.25

I have 15 minutes before heading to the mail trail. The fire is about burned down. Everyone sleeps except the cat messing around behind the couch. I don't have much to say. I want to write big thoughts, but it's not there. Or they're there but time doesn't allow it. I pulled a dead deer off the road just outside of Spooner a few days back. I was with Hayden, my middle son. I couldn't stand letting it lay there surrounded by concrete. I'd passed it a few times already. People usually don't take the time to move them. It's messy, smelly, and work to move that much dead weight. I feel good doing it. That way the deer can return to the land in peace. Plus the animals eating off if have less risk of getting hit themselves. Son and I saw a fox eating off a carcass just down the road last week. It was in the headlights. We just kept going not to bother it. I admire how wild nature works and regenerates. There's an eternal aspect to it. Off to the mail trail. Morning fire 35 11.15.25

Back in 2020 Bitcoin was a distant noise. When I'd hear about it I'd imagine people trying to get lucky with magic Internet money. When you walk into a gas station in Wisconsin you can buy scratch off lottery tickets. I know they're somewhere. But that's about as much as I pay attention to them. That's the way it was with Bitcoin. Distant. Nothing I was interested in. ....