𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗗𝗜𝗚𝗠 𝗢𝗙 𝗣𝗔𝗜𝗡
The emotional/psychological/physical pain that is running our responses.
It is constantly being recycled in reactiveness.
You know, those times it just seems harder to act in any other way.
We all have our kinds of it.
It is spoken by many.
You can recognize it in how people don't believe in connection, when isolation seems like healing.
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𝗛𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻:
There's a way we've learned to move through the world.
A way of relating.
A way of protecting.
A way of surviving.
And most of us don't even see it operating.
We think it's just "how things are."
We think it's "human nature."
But it's not nature.
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗮 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗴𝗺.
A learned system.
An operating system we inherited.
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝘁 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻.
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𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀:
𝗜𝘀𝗼𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗱𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗹.
We say:
• "I'm fine on my own"
• "I don't need anyone"
• "People always disappoint"
• "It's better to be alone"
And we call this independence.
Strength.
Self-sufficiency.
But often, it's just unhealed hurt convincing us that distance equals safety.
We made isolation noble because connection felt too dangerous.
Afraid of being judged, not being accepted for who we are.
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𝗣𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗺𝗶𝘀𝗺 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘀𝗱𝗼𝗺.
We say:
• "Expect nothing, then you won't be disappointed"
• "People never change"
• "Trust no one"
• "Everyone's out for themselves"
And we call this being realistic.
Being smart.
Protecting ourselves.
But often, it's just pain pretending to be insight.
We made cynicism sound wise because hope felt too vulnerable.
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𝗕𝗹𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲.
We say:
• "They should have known better"
• "No excuses"
• "Actions have consequences"
• "They deserve what they get"
• "It was their choice"
And we call this accountability.
Standards.
Justice.
But often, we're punishing someone for hurt that started generations ago.
We blame individuals for patterns they inherited.
For wounds they didn't create.
For behaviors they learned before they had words.
𝗪𝗲 𝗽𝘂𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗹.
Because the paradigm of pain doesn't understand how trauma passes down.
How one generation's survival response becomes the next generation's normal.
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𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗮𝗸𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀.
For generations, men couldn't have emotions. "not that they didn't"
Because emotions slow you down when you're trying to survive.
When you're farming.
When you're at war.
When you're providing.
So we learned:
• "Man up"
• "Don't cry"
• "Toughen up"
• "Push through"
And it made sense - for that time, in those conditions.
𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝘄𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺.
Even though we're not at war. "Some are unfortunately" 💔
Even though survival isn't the daily reality for most of us anymore. "Still I wish this was true for everyone"
We still treat emotions like they're dangerous.
We still shame vulnerability.
We still punish people for feeling.
𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁.
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𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗵.
We say:
• "What did you accomplish today?"
• "Stay busy"
• "Hustle harder"
• "Rest when you're dead"
Because for generations, if you didn't produce, you didn't eat.
If you didn't work, you didn't survive.
So productivity became identity.
Worth became output.
Rest became guilt.
And now we're exhausted.
Burned out.
Running on empty.
But we can't stop.
Because the paradigm says: 𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗵 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗲.
The truth is nowadays people adore work, because they don't really know how to create their own meaning beyond survival and culture.
That is the side effect of this.
How the program is now.
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𝗦𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗹𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗺𝗲.
We say:
• "What's wrong with me?"
• "Everyone else has it figured out"
• "I should be further along"
• "I'm the problem"
• "I'm overthinking"
Because the paradigm teaches: 𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝗸𝗲𝗻.
So we hide it.
We pretend we're fine.
We perform wholeness while falling apart inside.
And everyone around us is doing the same thing.
All of us pretending.
All of us struggling in secret.
All of us thinking we're the only one.
Masking.
𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻.
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𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺:
The paradigm of pain wasn't created by evil people.
It was created by people who were trying to survive.
In times when:
• Resources were scarce
• Threats were real
• Vulnerability could make you lose
• Emotions were luxuries no one could afford
• Community meant survival, but betrayal meant loss
So they learned to:
• Stay vigilant
• Trust cautiously
• Push through pain
• Hide weakness
• Disconnect from feelings
• Judge quickly
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱.
For that time.
In those conditions.
𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻.
Not because they wanted to hurt us.
But because it's all they knew.
They taught their children:
• How to survive
• How to protect
• How to push through
• How to hide pain
And their children taught their children.
And their children taught us.
𝗚𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝘃𝗶𝘃𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗲𝘀, 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗮𝘀 𝗶𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗻𝗲𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗿𝘆.
Even though the conditions changed.
Even though we're not in the same danger.
Even though survival isn't the daily reality anymore.
𝗪𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺.
Many do try to overwrite it.
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𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝘄𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁:
Because most people never got the conditions to heal.
They survived.
But they didn't have:
• Safety to process the pain
• Time to rest
• Space to feel
• Permission to be vulnerable
• Resources to get help
• Language to name what happened
So the pain stayed in their bodies.
Unprocessed.
Unhealed.
Active.
And it became the lens through which they see the world.
𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘁𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝗻𝘀.
Not because they wanted to pass on pain.
But because unhealed pain is invisible to the person carrying it.
They thought they were teaching:
• Resilience
• Strength
• Independence
• Responsibility
But they were actually teaching:
• Suppress your feelings
• Don't trust people
• You're on your own
• Something's wrong with you if you struggle
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗲 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱.
Not because we chose to.
But because this is what was modeled.
This is the water we're all swimming in.
And reality is.
It's recent.
Not enough awareness and time has passed through the paradigm of pain yet.
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𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗹𝗱:
The paradigm of pain isn't just personal.
It's collective.
It's systemic.
It's cultural.
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗲 𝗿𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗿𝗲𝗻:
A parent yells at their kid.
They're overwhelmed. Their nervous system is screaming. They don't know how else to be in that moment.
"Stop crying."
Their own parents said it to them. No one taught them what else to do with big feelings.
"Toughen up."
That's what kept them safe. Softness got punished when they were small.
Good people repeating what hurt them.
Pain doesn't wait for you to figure it out. It just runs.
Teaching disconnection from bodies.
Teaching suppression of signals.
Teaching pushing through pain.
The water we're all swimming in.
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸:
• Productivity over wellbeing
• Performance over presence
• Output over humanity
• Burnout as a badge of honor
Extracting value from people until they're depleted.
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗹𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗰𝘁:
• Punishment over rehabilitation
• Blame over understanding
• Disconnection over repair
• Justice as retribution, not healing
Creating more pain in the name of stopping pain.
𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗲 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗹𝘁𝗵:
• "They're just attention-seeking"
• "Everyone's got problems"
• "They need to try harder"
• "It's all in their head"
• "They're just lazy"
Pathologizing natural responses to unnatural circumstances.
Many diagnoses describe survival responses that never got to rest.
Not individual pathology - but the paradigm of pain at clinical levels.
𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗴𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲.
And it's constantly regenerating itself.
Because people operating from unhealed pain create systems that reflect that pain.
And those systems create more unhealed pain.
And the cycle continues.
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𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝗲:
Because when you're inside the paradigm, it just looks like reality.
You think:
• "This is just how people are"
• "This is human nature"
• "This is how the world works"
You don't see that it's a SYSTEM.
You don't see that it's LEARNED.
You don't see that it's PAIN operating.
And when you try to do something different:
When you choose vulnerability over protection:
→ You're called weak
When you choose understanding over judgment:
→ You're called naive
When you choose rest over productivity:
→ You're called lazy
When you choose healing over pushing through:
→ You're called soft
When you're thinking deeply coming with solutions:
→ You're overthinking
𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗴𝗺 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗶𝘁𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.
Through shame.
Through judgment.
Through making you question whether there's something wrong with you for wanting something different.
Through projection.
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𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁:
𝗙𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗵𝘂𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝗵𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆, 𝘄𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗹.
We had to survive.
War. Famine. Scarcity. Constant threat.
Healing was a luxury we couldn't afford.
𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘀𝗮𝘄 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗶𝘁.
Ancient wisdom traditions. Indigenous practices. Philosophers. Spiritual communities. Thinkers. Healers.
People naming pieces of the pattern throughout history.
Each generation uncovering a bit more.
Women naming emotional labor. Trauma researchers mapping the nervous system. Recovery movements seeing the conditions needed. Philosophers questioning what we call "human nature."
𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗽 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝗹.
𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗮 𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴.
And only recently - especially in the last few decades - have enough pieces come together that we can start to see the whole pattern.
How pain operates.
How it passes down.
How it becomes systems.
How it can be interrupted.
𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗹𝗲𝗱𝗴𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗻𝗲𝘄.
And many still don't understand it.
Many are still operating from the old paradigm - judging behavior as character, expecting willpower to overcome conditions, treating pain as weakness.
𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗳𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴.
More people are waking up to the fact that:
We don't have to keep running the survival program.
We can process instead of suppress.
We can heal instead of just cope.
We can become conscious of what was unconscious.
𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝘂𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝗵𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲:
Enough people have safety and resources to do this work.
We have language for trauma that didn't exist before.
We have understanding of the nervous system that's brand new.
We can share knowledge globally, instantly.
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲.
Not perfect.
Not everyone.
Not all at once.
But more than ever before.
𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘀𝗼 𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗳𝘂𝗹.
We're not just healing ourselves.
We're shifting the paradigm humanity has been running on for generations.
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𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗶𝘁:
When you recognize the paradigm of pain:
You stop taking it personally.
You see that it's not about you.
It's about inherited patterns.
You stop judging so harshly.
You see that people are responding from pain they didn't choose.
You stop expecting impossible things.
You see that healing requires conditions most people never had.
And you start asking different questions:
𝗡𝗼𝘁: "What's wrong with them?"
𝗕𝘂𝘁: "What happened to them?"
𝗡𝗼𝘁: "Why can't they just change?"
𝗕𝘂𝘁: "What conditions would make change possible?"
𝗡𝗼𝘁: "Why am I like this?"
𝗕𝘂𝘁: "What was I taught to survive?"
𝗡𝗼𝘁: "How do I fix myself?"
𝗕𝘂𝘁: "What do I actually need to heal?"
𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗼𝗳: "Why am I struggling with this?"
𝗔𝘀𝗸: "What was I never taught about this?
What did the people who raised me not know how to give me because they never received it?"
This is the shift.
From pain to understanding.
From judgment to curiosity.
From punishment to healing.
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𝗦𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝘁'𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗴𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗴𝗺 𝗼𝗳 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻.
Not to blame anyone.
Not to shame the past.
Not to pretend it's simple.
𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵.
We're not fighting individual "bad people."
We're navigating a collective inheritance of unhealed pain.
And healing that?
It doesn't happen through more pain.
It doesn't happen through more pressure.
It doesn't happen through more judgment.
𝗜𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀.
One person at a time recognizing the pattern.
One person at a time choosing differently.
One person at a time creating the conditions where healing becomes possible.
Not perfectly.
Not all at once.
Not without struggle.
But consciously.
𝗟𝗲𝘁'𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗹𝘂𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿.
Where relational capacity becomes the norm, not bullying.
Where we show up from healing and holding, not pressure and shame.
That's true success. 💚🌱
So please talk about this.
Share this.
Save this.
Comment on it and do your best. 💚
Because awareness of this?
The world's state?
How we got here?
That could change everything.
Thank you for reading and engaging. ❤️
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𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗴𝗺 𝗱𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗴𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝘀𝘁?
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗮𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆?
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Let's update the paradigm to the operating system of love and healthy connection.
Because for too long we've been using an outdated operating system.
We can have a more wholesome world ❤️❤️
With love
- Jacob Haaning
Creator of Reflected Compass of Growth: Braving the Path of The Authentic Journey
