Rule 21 has been added after some time since 20

itsg.host

Ghost

The ramblings of a humble Ghost on the internet

#GhostsRules

PUPPIES!

Well, with officially less than 24h left of being in my 20s, I wanted to write out some words of wisdom to my younger self, future self, and anyone who might find them helpful/useful. Instead, I find my brain in a decidedly more fragile state and feel I should address something far more serious and significantly more uncomfortable. I may no secret about all my health issues, especially mental health struggles, yet somehow I don’t think I’ve done it justice over the years just how many times I’ve felt as if hitting 30 wasn’t just a milestone, but by intent or by accident, a seriously challenging achievement. In fact, even with less than 24h to go, it still feels beyond credibility that I’ve made it this far, and although no immediate risk, still seems so very far away. Thankfully, I’ve never attempted to take my own life, although I’ve been really fucking close a few times stopped only once by my hands shaking too much to pop the tablets out of the packet. Around 2020, independent of COVID issues, I developed a definitive end of life plan that would result in no pain only slight euphoria as I drift off unconscious. This plan still stands to this day when that hopefully far off day comes. I consider myself incredibly lucky how fate played out, for so many things take a slightly different turn. And yet, despite all this and trying to be open about it to my family, all I get is denial and gaslighting that there’s nothing wrong with me. Despite the fact my ADHD psychiatrist almost refused to assess me because of the above plans existing, I’m told that’s just them being lazy (which I agree with, but for very different reasons). So, what is the profound message behind all this - rule 20: it’s OK to not be OK. I’ve said it to myself for long enough that I need to shout it out to others. This is obviously a cliche message, however, I want it to carry a very different message to what’s normally meant by it. Even in your darkest hour, you are ultimately still responsible for your actions, or inaction as the case may often be. It’s often said taking your own life is the cowards way out, I firmly believe that nobody saying that has ever been in the position where that felt like the only option, because I defy them to say it if they had been forced to confront it head on like that. The same people also seem to fail at stating the inverse which I also believe to be true, standing up, fighting on, and battling through any health challenge is a truly monumental achievement and should not be down played. You still chosen to continue living, possibly whilst being fully aware at the persistent horrors you’ll face every day. That fucking matters! That choice is all that fucking matters! Choice may be all somebody has left. To give more extreme examples from my own experience, for the longest time I helped a friend deal with suicide attempts, being the one dragging them to hospital when they’d attempted to overdose (failing miserably with drug choice, but needing checking still). It turns out that so called friend was an absolute monster, and is now a guest of His Majesty indefinitely until their… urges… are under control. And yet, even knowing what I now know, if they asked for help in staying alive I would drop everything. The opposite to this is my best friend, who of sound mind and facing a terminal incurable disease was struggling with the thought of continuing to live. The thought of loosing him is devastating, yet if he calmly and rationally explained that was his choice, I vowed I wouldn’t stop him. Infact, I may even offer intangible assistance to make it less traumatic. Simple fact is I don’t know here. So what does this all say about me. Undoubtedly, that I’m beyond fucked up. That being a stubborn can keep you alive. But more importantly I think it shows that no matter how fucked up we are physically or mentally, we all have the power of choice, and we all have a duty to both challenge and respect that choice. I’m not afraid of dying, I embrace it’s the only certainty in life. I’m afraid of leaving folks behind and the potential good I could have done to those who wanted to choose life, and so I choose to stay and help them. My biggest birthday wish that I can slowly convince others that helping helps, and that I get to spend at least the next 30 years continuing to help others so they too can pay it forward in whatever way helps them best. I really didn’t know where this was going when I started, and I’m still not sure what point I’ve been trying to make, but everything I’ve said just felt like stuff I needed to get off my chest and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to do it. Nobody knows what the future has in store, but whilst we blindly plod on together, let’s try and at least help each other not walk into every wall along the way. Ghost OUT

Did some rope work at a recent bondage event on the truly stunning @yeenthings.bsky.social (BlueSky). Really please with how @joshidotphoto.bsky.social (BlueSky) managed to capture it on camera, finally a photo of me domming I’m happy with #NSFW #Mancsbound #shibari #lycra

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Wait, we still doing the whole pup play = zoo shit, I thought that was an almost ancient blast from the past these days but apparently not from the message I just got

I constantly struggle to describe what I do for work when people ask, the best I’ve come up with is Prototype Engineer which sounds really lame, can’t even produce an acronym. As of today though, I’m just going to put RACESS down: Rotary Air Circulator Excrement Separation Specialist