HannahMR

The most powerful tool an abuser has is the misplacement of shame. As such, if you can, one of the best things to do to fix these issues in the world is to speak about your own abuse without any drop of shame. Speak about it like you would about being cut off in traffic. “Seriously? Look at this idiot!” “Did you see that?!?! What the fuck is wrong with this guy?!?” etc. Refuse to carry even a drop of the shame. Put the shame, loudly, where it goes.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Pain plus non acceptance equals suffering.

I ran across this really great thing, it’s an essay called “Welcome to Holland”. It was written by a parent of a special needs kid and coping with that was the motivation behind the essay, but really it applies to any time in which you need to accept the reality of your life being different than you planned/dreamed. It’s a simple story, you have dreamed of going on vacation in Italy. You’ve been planning the trip for ages, you bought all the tickets, you packed your bags, and the time has come to get on that flight! ...but when the flight lands, the attendant says “Welcome to Holland!”. You were not planning on going to Holland, you bought a ticket for Italy. But that airplane isn’t getting back in the air to take you to Italy. You exit the plane, you are in Holland. Holland isn’t awful, it’s got it’s own kind of charm. So you can sit and mope about not being in Italy, or you can explore Holland. “if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.”

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Pain plus non acceptance equals suffering.

“The essence of traditional masculinity is the denial of vulnerability. The more invulnerable you are, the more manly you are. The more vulnerable you are, the more girly you are. Here’s why that’s an issue… The idea that we have to deny our own humanity, our vulnerability, our feelings… All of us men who buy into this are haunted by anxiety. We don’t live up to this standard. We know we don’t live up to it. The reason we don’t is because what we’re trying to live up to is a lie. And because there is no room for imperfection, we bounce back and forth between shame. If we’re not perfect, then we’re unlovable losers. But we have to a low tolerance for that before we’ve puffed back up into grandiosity. And what’s devilish about that shunt from shame to grandiosity is that it works. You feel better in a rage than you do feeling bad. You feel batter being godlike and invulnerable than you feel being defective and vulnerable. That’s why dominance is so seductive to boys and men. But it’s a feel-good illusion that will ruin the lives around them.” – Terry Real

The most powerful tool an abuser has is the misplacement of shame.

If you’ve ever heard stories of sexual abuse and wondered why a survivor didn’t report the abuse, or why they appeased the abusers, or why they just tried to escaped but didn’t go to the police, etc. If this has ever been confusing for you, you need to read Virginia Roberts Giuffre’s memoir Nobody’s Girl. It’s a wildly important book as it details how these things happen and how abusers get away with it. It explains how and why abusers chose those who they will abuse, how they slowly damage their self concept, how they make it clear that they can't go get help, how they set the abused up to not be believed by their community, how they engineer silence, and how abusers give themselves a public image contrary to reality to hide behind. On and on. If you actually care about understanding these thing, all the answers are in that book.

I changed my Facebook settings so that I'd see less posts telling me about horrific things, and how sad is this? It lumps sexual content and violence together. Wow is this a clear example of how messed up our culture is.

Experiencing tragedy makes you a bad person who is undeserving of joy. ...I know, what a fucked up thought. But it’s been core to my understanding of the world since before I can remember and it takes a while to undo that. But I’m curious, is this a lingering effect of my fundamentalist Christian early childhood, or is this a common sentiment in the world?

Happy Thanksgiving y'all.

The problem solving is the living part. We somehow get this insane idea that the happy carefree moments when everything feels right is life, and the rest, the uncomfortable part, is just the waiting to live. But actually, it's the other way around. The tackling problems, the deciding what to do about difficult relationships, the managing a tragic event, the treating depression, the making tough choices on the next phase of life... That's the living part.

We aren’t wired to hurt each other. We are wired for connection & co-operation & when that doesn’t happen, we are damaged. What’s important here is that everyone is damaged, not just those who survive violence/neglect but also those who inflict it. We have a lot of data on this from both directions. One of the best predictors of health-span and lifespan is our loving connections with others. The more loving, connected relationships we have with others the longer we live and the less sick we are. We also know that those who commit violence, solders who killed in war, slaughterhouse workers, perpetrators of domestic violence, etc. all show much worse mental health outcomes and generally reduced health-spam and lifespan. When we experience ugly things it can feel like the world is out to get you. It’s important to remember that no one really wants to hurt you. We aren’t wired for that. It happens, but that is not who we are or what we are built for.