If you are someone who has ever asked yourself “if they were assaulted why did they act like everything was fine?”, or “why didn’t they report it sooner/at all?” or “If they were being abused why didn’t they just leave?” If you ponder these things, if you genuinely want the answers, I have them for you! The answers can be found in two books… Trauma and Recovery by Dr Judith Herman Virginia Roberts Giuffre’s memoir Nobody’s Girls And I’d highly recommend reading them in that order. I need to warn you, these are tough reads. They contain stories of the worst of humanity, they are graphic. If you want to understand how the human mind manages trauma, those books are where the knowledge lies.

But you can't teach people to be decent, can you? If you have to explain to someone why coercing someone into sex is a bad thing to do, then really you just need to stay away from that person.

Consent is very easy to understand when you think about assault/rape like theft. You have a shiny new iPhone. You are hanging out with friends and one of them asks you to give them your new phone. You decline. This friend then waits for you to get nearly black out drunk and then asks you again and when you are busy rambling on about it they take your iPhone. Theft. You are alone with a friend in their car. they ask for your iPhone. You say no. They are twice your size. they push you into the corner, doors locked, and ask you for your iPhone another 15 times in a row. You know you aren't leaving that car with your iPhone, you stop struggling and let them take the iPhone so that you can just leave the car. Theft. Do you get it?

Rape isn't a man vs woman issue, it's a cultural issue. Y'all would be shocked at the number of men I know who have also been assaulted. This issue comes from our zerosum hierarchical mindset. Rape is never about sex, it is always about power. For as long as we have a desperate need to be "above" overs, rape culture will continue.

I posted the story of me being roofied and a lot of you were really sweet and said lovely things 🫶 But the point I want to make here is that this story isn’t an aberration, this is the norm in our world. If you were at all surprised by my story then I want you to know that I have many more stories and I am one of the lucky ones. There is the time a gray haired man tried to hire me for “a date” when I was 12 yrs old. The numerous times men followed me down the street or sat across from me on public transit masturbating. The too many to count incidences of groping. That one time a young man followed me into my apartment building and attacked me in the elevator. Etc, etc. And here is the really terrifying part, my stories are nothing compared to the stories of nearly all the women that I know. At least I was never assaulted by my family members. I’ve never been drugged and trafficked to my partners friends. I was never assaulted by a doctor I was in the care of. I’ve never been trapped in an abusive relationship. I’ve never been beaten by the person who is supposed to love and care for me. I am one of the lucky ones.

The guys that go around saying that social conformity is a female issue are the same guys that are terrified of painting their nails... cuz what would the other men think of them??

When I was in my early 20’s I went out drinking one night, by myself, a not infrequent occurrence… I was lonely. One evening there was some dude sitting next to me at the bar. We talked for hours. In hind sight I can see that I talked for hours and he humored me. I was lonely, that felt amazing. I wasn’t really that into him but we had a lot of fun and wound up going back to his place to sleep off all the drinks we had. We messed around a bit, but nothing much. We had only just met each other. In the morning he walked me to the train station. There were no issues. We kept in touch via telephone. One time he called me and invited me to come with him and his friends out to Arizona! I didn’t have money for a vacation. He insisted that he would cover it, the flights were cheap and he already had the room booked. I was very clear with him that I barely knew him and I didn’t know if I wanted to have sex with him. I told him very clearly that I didn’t want that to be the expectation. He said that was just fine, he wanted to get to know me, it would be fun. So I agreed to go. I was lonely. As soon as I got there and he picked me up I knew it wasn’t going to work out. When I was sober he was just crass and uninteresting. But I was there, it was only the weekend and so I decided to lean in and give it a try. We went skinny dipping in the hotel pool. That was fun. The second night we went out for drinks with his friends. He brought me my second glass of wine. I began to drink it and was in a great mood, was chatting with everyone and went outside to smoke a cigarette with new bar friends. As I was standing outside smoking I started to feel really weird. Like the alcohol hit me way too hard. I had only just started my second drink. I went back in and told him that I was feeling funny. “It’s probably just the heat. Drink your wine!” was his response. I did drink more of the wine. Before I even got to the bottom of that glass of wine I started to feel like my body was just shutting down. It’s a terrifying sensation. I told him I felt horrible, he suggested we head back to the hotel. I remember trying like hell to stay awake in the taxi. I remember trying to walk through the hotel lobby. I don’t remember much else. I woke up the next morning in the hotel room clothed, but not wearing the same clothes as I was the night before. I genuinely have no idea what happened to me that night. Your guess is as good as mine. The though of course crossed my mind that he may have drugged and raped me. But I immediately pushed that thought away. It’s such a horrific idea to hold, the idea that someone could really do that to you. I asked him what happened last night and he said “you weren’t feeling well. It was probably heat stroke. It gets people all the time out here.” I don’t have a problem with heat. I love heat. I live on a tropical island! It was absolutely fucking not heat stroke. But I chose to just believe that story. My whole life I’d been breathing in the victim blaming culture. The shame of what might have happened was far too intense to look directly at. Of course it would have been all my fault. If that’s what happened then it’s just proof of what a stupid slut I am. Why was I there if I did want him to fuck me? I should have chosen better. Of course it’s on me to always choose right. If he had rapped me that would be evidence of what poor choices I make. Evidence of how stupid and worthless I am. I chose to believe that nothing happened. I took a shower and tried not to vomit. I told no one. My period was a month late. I spent that month living with a cloud of shame hovering over me. It’s not a story I like to think about. I can think of him now only as a grotesque monster. Indeed he wasn’t a good looking dude at all, but it wasn't his face that made him monstrous. I can’t even remember his name. I don’t want to remember. But these experiences get trapped in our bodies. When we swallow them down they fester and poison us. We need to speak about these things. We need to tell the story as it was. We need shame to change sides. I don’t know exactly what happened to me that night, but I do know that I was drugged and that the person who drugged me is the person who owns the shame of that evening.

I have 6 pack abs, mostly. I also have 42” hips, a regular period, and perfectly normal hormone levels. Different bodies look different and having muscle and being fit is very healthy for a female body. ...I can also do a whole bunch of pushups! 💪

A lot more men than you'd think and nearly all women have been sexually assaulted. Our culture is pretty fucked up that way. We really need to fix it.

I saw a post asking how the Cornell 7 story might have played out differently if the 7 had been black men. And well that's an uncomfortable thought experiment.

Be careful trying to talk someone out of a religious belief. It’s pretty cruel to try to take away from someone what makes life bearable for them. I do however try to talk people into having more humane religious beliefs.