In other news, people in 25 states have now gotten my gardening calendar from my blog. 😍 I realize 35-ish sales is small fry, but it’s pretty cool that a little something I made exists in half the states of the US now. I’ll take my wins where I can get them, thank you. 😁

One day I might open an art exhibit and fill it full of texts between me and my bestie where we are roasting men who send me unsolicited DMs. Example provided so you can let me know if you’d at least visit the showing. 😆 The DM for today was a guy named Brandon who said “What do you do in your free time besides looking this good?” 🤣 Don’t worry - I don’t actually send back our replies because that would be bullying. Ha.

Sometimes I write jokes that I probably won’t ever deliver because while I am a clown, I am not a comedian per se. Today’s little bit is about how as a European American, even my salsa dancing is mild. Perhaps if we created a category called Béchamel dancing, I’d be on par. 😆💃

We can even call it “Make Airports Great Again” if that’s what it takes. 😄 View quoted note →

I make a motion that “outdoor relaxation areas” with ash trays be placed on the rooftop of every airport. Would be very easy to monitor for security as there could be restricted access from the outside. Where do I submit my formal request to the Donald? ✈️ 🚬

Go ahead… ask a smoker in an airport if this is a free country. 😆

If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to speak every language. My Spanish is so close to fluency, but damn I’ve had to work hard to get here haha.

We are in Puerto Rico for my sister-in-law’s wedding, and they broke out a bottle of moonshine, and my mother in law said “Oh Jessi this is what you call MOONSHADOW!” 🤣 FTR I’m calling it that from now on yall.

Just realized my new nail color reminds me of bitcoin 😎

Sometimes I forget that I’m viewing notes and replies until I see @Derek Ross telling everyone and their mother GM 😄 Like a good neighbor, Derek is there!

Yall. I just saw a woman who steals suffering plants from the homes of any man she sleeps with and rehabs them… and she has basically a whole sunroom full now. I’m not sure I’ve ever been more impressed. I wish I could think of a good superhero name for her but all I got is “Robin Wood” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hyperfocus = good 👍 Hyperfixation = not so good 😅

He declassified the files and gave RFK Jr the pen. 🖊️ I wonder how ol’ Bobby is feeling about today.

Funniest thing about the 14-hour tiktok ban was how brave Canadians got with their disdain for us while we were gone followed by all the Brits tattling on them and saying how boring it was without us. 🤣 I love the internet.

GM 😈 how do I set an alert for when the newly declassified docs drop?? Heh heh heh #menacemode

I tell you what… it takes a special kind of personality to wait on hold for 2 hours to speak on the air on C-SPAN for 60 seconds. 😆

I’ve never been a Trumper - but I’ve always been a menace, so this… this is my personal silver lining for Inauguration Day right here. 😈 we can handle the truth.