My cat just got in a massive fight in my backyard. He pinned the intruder to the ground and beat him until the asshole fled the scene. Unfortunately my cat sustained some minor injuries to his face. Please send him power🙏

When grandma lost her feet to diabetes I referred to her as "Lieutenant Gran", but nobody laughed :(

The most dangerous kind of canoes are volcanoes.

Me: "Can I have a turn in the hedge now?" Hedgehog: "No."

You will never be able to snort coke out of a bitcoin Fiat currency wins again

Netflix is coming out with an all female remake of the classic film "12 Angry Men". It's called "12 women".

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia...

People are shocked when they find out I'm not a qualified electrician.

A Frenchman invented sandals. His name was Philippe Philoppe.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname.

You're all a bunch of nerds

I just found out that Rudolph is a jewish power fantasy... He is ostracized cuz of his weird ass nose. All the other normal reindeer hate him and don’t invite him out. Suddenly Santa appears and makes him his “chosen reindeer”. And now he leads the rest. So I did an early life check on Santa's little helper: Robert L. May (July 27, 1905 – August 11, 1976) was an American retailer. He was best known for creating the fictional character Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Robert Lewis May was born in Arverne, Long Island, New York, and grew up in a fairly affluent secular Jewish home in New Rochelle, New York. Rudolph the hooked nose reindeer

Man every time I see a lesbian couple I get the urge to ask them who beats who

I canceled my appointment with the sperms bank. I called them and told them I can't come

They always say: ok retard. They never say: are you okay retard?

During my job interview they asked me to explain the gap in my cv. I said that's because I formatted it in Google Docs, and they opened it in Word.

I like Switzerland. Beautiful mountains, nice people, and their flag is a big plus.

My landlord wanted to speak to me about my high heating bills. I said sure, my door's always open.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.